Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern Small-town Prosecuting Attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, Elderly Woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your Wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
"Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense Attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his Wife
with three different Women.
One of them was your Wife.
"Yes, I know him."
The Defense Attorney almost died.
The Judge asked both Counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you Idiots asks her if she knows Me............
I'll send you BOTH to the Electric Chair
********************************
Two guys were discussing popular family
trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said,
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got
married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her
maiden name?"
**********************
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come
from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have
got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And
I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband
said. "And every now and then I'll try to send
her a few bucks myself,"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband
aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of
your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the
husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if
he can remove a curse he has been living with
for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to
put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A
Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can
you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San
Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating
the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?"
asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night,
staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants
he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets
the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't
believe in hell."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a
nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the
four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,"
he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
-------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my
husband and I passed a display of bathing
suits. It had been at least ten years and
twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a
bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd
never get it all in one.
