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Thread: Sunday Funnies

  1. #1
    JustMVG
    Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
    Shotgun wedding; A case of wife or death.
    I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
    Banning the bra was a big flop.
    Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
    When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
    A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    ==========
    A BIT of KNOWLEDGE
    In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."
    Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" - and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
    The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
    The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.
    The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
    The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
    Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David;
    Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
    111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.
    Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
    If you were to spell out numbers the letter "A" is not found until "One thousand."
    Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.
    Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
    In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "goodnight, sleep tight."
    ==========
    HUMOROUS HEALTH ADVICE
    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
    ---
    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
    ---
    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
    ---
    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
    ---
    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
    ---
    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
    ---
    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
    ---
    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
    ---
    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
    ---
    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

  2. #2
    Debbolas

    funny

  3. #3
    FMluvswater
    Like those Mikey! Thanks for the smiles! :smile:

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