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Thread: Tuesday Funnies via e-mail

  1. #1
    2 readings, they take awhile but some of it is quite funny.
    Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
    readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
    subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.
    The winners are:
    1. Cashtration (n.):
    The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject
    financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
    2. Ignoranus :
    A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
    3 Intaxication :
    Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was
    your money to start with.
    4. Reintarnation:
    Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
    5. Bozone (n.):
    The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
    The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
    near future.
    6. Foreploy :
    Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
    7. Giraffiti:
    Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    8. Sarchasm :
    The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get
    9. Inoculatte:
    To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    10. Hipatitis :
    Terminal coolness.
    11. Osteopornosis:
    A degenerate disease.
    (This one got extra credit.)
    12. Karmageddon :
    It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the
    Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
    13 Decafalon (n.):
    The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are
    good for you.
    14. Glibido :
    All talk and no action.
    15. Dopeler effect:
    The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
    The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a
    spider web.
    17. Beelzebug (n.):
    Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the
    morning and cannot be cast out.
    18. Caterpallor (n.):
    The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
    contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
    And the winners are:
    1. Coffee, n.
    The person upon whom one coughs.
    2. Flabbergasted , adj.
    Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
    3. Abdicate, v.
    To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. Esplanade , v.
    To attempt an explanation while drunk.
    5. Willy-Nilly, adj.
    6. Negligent , adj.
    Absentmindedly answering the door when
    wearing only a nightgown.
    7. Lymph, v.
    To walk with a lisp.
    8. Gargoyle , n.
    Olive-flavored mouthwash.
    9. Flatulence , n.
    Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a
    10. Balderdash , n.
    A rapidly receding hairline.
    11. Testicle, n.
    A humorous question on an exam.
    12. Rectitude , n.
    The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    13. Pokemon, n.
    A Rastafarian proctologist.
    14 Oyster , n.
    A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    15. Frisbeetarianism, n.
    The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. Circumvent , n.
    An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with Broccoli, Cauliflower and Spinach, green and yellow and red Vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live Long and Healthy Lives.
    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled .
    And God created the healthful Yogurt that Woman might keep the Figure that Man found so fair.
    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
    So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
    And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables, and olive oil in which to cook them."
    And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
    So God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it " Angel Food Cake ," and said, "It is good."
    Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
    And Satan gave cable TV with
    a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
    Then God brought forth the Potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
    And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
    And Satan created McDonald's
    and its 99-cent double Cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries withthat?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
    And Man Went Into Cardiac Arrest.
    God Sighed and Created
    Quadruple Bypass Surgery.
    Then Satan Created HMOs

  2. #2
    Great post. I will use lots of those when I am insulting other people on hot boat.

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