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Thread: You guys see this!

  1. #1
    Steve 1
    Chili Contest
    CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this
    whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.
    **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
    the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
    around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.
    notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting from Canada.
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
    to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
    other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    tasting, so I accepted".
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 - Nice & smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
    could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
    put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
    These Texans are crazy.
    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
    what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
    people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
    They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
    by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
    back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
    getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
    fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Carrie,
    the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
    300-lb. witch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
    eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
    forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
    people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
    when I
    told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Carrie saved my
    from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
    wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
    other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm
    worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
    stand behind me except Carrie. She must be kinkier than I thought.
    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
    can of chili peppers at the last moment.
    **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
    He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
    and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
    world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
    chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
    lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
    too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
    air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
    too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
    mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
    farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
    of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
    he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

  2. #2
    LMAO ..crying. I saw this happen two weeks ago at a home builders meeting!

  3. #3
    little rowe boat
    FOTFLMFAO, that was hilarious.

  4. #4
    Steve 1

  5. #5
    angry dad

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