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Her454
12-13-2004, 04:57 PM
I took my dads drivers license from him when he was 81 years old. My middle sister does not speak to me to this day. She claims I rushed my dad to his death by taking away his "individuality and freedom". I knew when I did it that it would crush him but I felt I had no choice as he was an unsafe driver to both himself and others. He had fallen asleep at the wheel in an intersection and rolled out into traffic, he had lost his car in the parking lot, he had rear ended someone......BUT HE WAS A RETIRED TEAMSTER....TRUCKDRIVER. That was his life. He lived with me at the time as my husband and I took care of him after my mother passed away.
I was the ONLY one in the family (out of 6) that would do this and I am by far the youngest. The subject came up again this weekend as of course I am the black sheep of the family for what I did this month 9 years ago. This has put a huge rift in my family (that started to drift apart after my mothers death too) and of course the Holidays make it worse.
Was I wrong? Or are they being too harsh? 9 years is a long time to harbor resentment. Should there be a limit on age for drivers to spare families this decision? That does not seem fair to impose on elderly drivers that are of the capability to handle it? My dad still had 3 more years on his license to go.
Anyone else ever have to deal with this? Yes its after the fact but it tears me up still.

Mandelon
12-13-2004, 05:00 PM
He could have gone to get another........if he really wanted to. Maybe even he knew it was the right thing to do.

Mrs CP 19
12-13-2004, 05:02 PM
You were absolutely right! Sounds like it's just an excuse to keep the rift going. Just remind them of the elderly man who killed and injured all those people in Santa Monica last year 'driving' thru the street market.

Kilrtoy
12-13-2004, 05:04 PM
No, you did the right thing, DONT EVER THINK YOU DIDNT.
If someone would have done that to the guy in Santa Monica there would be 10 people alive today and hundreds of people not in morning.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
I will not go to deep into this, but a older american is just as dangerous as a drunk driver.
I thank you for what you did.....

GHTRIM
12-13-2004, 05:05 PM
Never had to deal with it myself, but it does seem that you are the only one with common sense. If you had let him keep his license and he killed someone your brothers and sisters would have probably blamed you because you did not take his license. The right decision is not always the easiest.

Squirtin Thunder
12-13-2004, 05:05 PM
Traci,
Thank you !!!
I know its hard to do things like this but you had everybodies best interest in your thoughts.
If you didn't take it away and something happened to him while driving they still would have blamed you. So that being said they need to just get over it and grow up.
I never had to do it. But I would if I had to !!!!
Sorry
Jim

25Elmn8r
12-13-2004, 05:15 PM
You absolutley did the right thing! As Kilr pointed out, the old can be just as dangerous as a Drunk Driver.
My parents did the same thing 8 or 9 years ago to my grandma. It sucked to see her lose her freedom, but in the end it was better. She ended up having a couple seisures in which she could have been driving at the time hurting herself and how many others. i know I didn't like seeing her behind the wheel as she was getting older, let alone ride somewhere with her.
If you have any thoughts whether or not someone that age should be driving, the answer is more times than not, no. I wish more people would do the same thing.
Tell your siblings to get over it. It WAS the RIGHT DECISION!

bocco
12-13-2004, 05:20 PM
You were the one taking care of him. You are the one that had to make the decision. It doesn't sound like any of your siblings were willing to take on the responsibility of taking care of dad. So you did the right thing. He could have been killed in any one of those accidents.
Gary

Havasu_Dreamin
12-13-2004, 05:36 PM
Based on the inforamtion you provided it appears that you did the right thing. All the signs were there to justify what you did. Personally, and I hope you don't tke offense to this, but I think your sister is nuts. By taking away a drivers license you are not taking away someones individuality or freedoms. Driving is a privlige not an inaleinable right as some make it out to be. You were doing what was in the best interest of not only your father but the other drivers and pedestrians that were around him.

JB in so cal
12-13-2004, 05:38 PM
Put it this way; How would ALL of your family have felt if he would have gotten hurt or killed, somehow - either running over/into something or hit by another vehicle in an intersection. My Mom gave her's up 'cause she knew it was time.
You, NO DOUBT - did the right thing. I think your siblings need to look a little deeper. I take it this is not the only thing your family has hurtful feelings towards you about?
JB

Troubles No More
12-13-2004, 05:39 PM
There are many things that can be done right or wrong. Sometimes doing the right thing may be more difficult than doing the wrong thing, but it is the right thing to do. Your only option left was to try and find a friend or relative who would volunteer to be a designated driver for your dad.
It sounds like you did what was best for your dad and your family.

25Elmn8r
12-13-2004, 05:43 PM
By taking away a drivers license you are not taking away someones individuality or freedoms. Driving is a privlige not an inaleinable right as some make it out to be.
HD, I agree with you, but So Cal society makes you believe that you are not free unless you have your own gas guzzling go anywhere at anytime car! So looking at it from that standpoint, you would be taking away a persons freedom.

phebus
12-13-2004, 05:43 PM
You were being nothing more than RESPONSIBLE!!! I sure wish others had the courage and the common sense you do.. Never look back, you definately did the right thing. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.

spectratoad
12-13-2004, 05:45 PM
Traci, You did the right thing. My grandpa is 84 I think and I beleive that he stopped driving here recently. Not sure if by choice or not.
Print this thread out and mail it to your siblings with their Christmas cards. :cool:

NAMarine
12-13-2004, 05:46 PM
Unfortunatly if something did happen, then they would have blamed you for not doing sooner.. You did the right thing even though everyone doesn't agree.. People always look to put the blame somewhere else. If they cared alot, they would have been fighting to have him at their house.. Don't second guess it. Don't let it haunt you either..
Geo

ECeptor
12-13-2004, 05:47 PM
It's always best to error on the side of safety. Many, many accidents by elderly who shouldn't be driving.
If your dad was like the truck drivers I know, I'm sure he was a safe driver. He would have done the same thing if he were in your shoes.
You did the right thing.

Lake Ape
12-13-2004, 05:47 PM
We did something a little different with my Granddad, after he wrecked one car we showed him new cars in the $30K range and he decided he didn't want another. Problem solved, he didn't have a car to drive and we just didn't give him the opprotunity to drive anyone elses. The trick IMO with people of age that have always been in a respected position (Parent or Grandparent) is to keep them in that position and keep giving them choices their entire lives. When an elderly person has everything they value (freedom, ability to make choices, etc.) taken away from them piece by piece they seem to pretty much fold up inside, wouldn't you?
You did the right thing, but did you discuss it with your family? More importantly your family in some people's eyes could be dishonoring your father since you are in rift over a decision about him. The real point here is how would your Dad feel if he knew that he was the cause of the rift? Instead of asking if you did the right thing you should solve the problem with the family. Yes, it might take a big kicking, screaming, fighting argument to get through it, but it's very important you do. Does your dad's memory bring up the rift in the family, it shouldn't. JUST MY TWO CENTS, I hope I didn't offend anyone.
Lake Ape

Lake Ape
12-13-2004, 05:48 PM
Oh, ya, I forgot to mention that I live in Mesa, AZ the bad elderly driver capital of the US. I have seen it all here in Mesa..

Flyinbowtie
12-13-2004, 06:07 PM
Traci;
I think you did the right thing, too.
I have done the death notifications to next-of-kin who let their loved one drive too long, and paid the price for not having the integrity to do the responsibile thing that you did.
Listening to them cry is much tougher than listening to them bitch at each other about who is going to run errands for their family member.
Since you had already assumed the responsibility of caring for your father, I can think of no one in a better position to judge what his driving ability may or may not have been.
The sisiter who is stating to you that you forced him into the grave earlier by taking his license away clearly has other issues that are eating at her. The fact that you are the youngest, and you had the courage to do what needed to be done is probably one of them.
These are her problems, T. not yours. If the family is in a fit over it, state your position and stick to it. You are not going to change the opinions of people who are not examing the facts. You did the right thing when it wasn't popular or easy or fun. 'nuff said.

wsuwrhr
12-13-2004, 06:16 PM
I took my dads drivers license from him when he was 81 years old. My middle sister does not speak to me to this day. She claims I rushed my dad to his death by taking away his "individuality and freedom". I knew when I did it that it would crush him but I felt I had no choice as he was an unsafe driver to both himself and others. He had fallen asleep at the wheel in an intersection and rolled out into traffic, he had lost his car in the parking lot, he had rear ended someone......BUT HE WAS A RETIRED TEAMSTER....TRUCKDRIVER. That was his life. He lived with me at the time as my husband and I took care of him after my mother passed away.
I was the ONLY one in the family (out of 6) that would do this and I am by far the youngest. The subject came up again this weekend as of course I am the black sheep of the family for what I did this month 9 years ago. This has put a huge rift in my family (that started to drift apart after my mothers death too) and of course the Holidays make it worse.
Was I wrong? Or are they being too harsh? 9 years is a long time to harbor resentment. Should there be a limit on age for drivers to spare families this decision? That does not seem fair to impose on elderly drivers that are of the capability to handle it? My dad still had 3 more years on his license to go.
Anyone else ever have to deal with this? Yes its after the fact but it tears me up still.
If you loved your father enough to do it because it was the RIGHT thing to do, then it was the right decison.
Sounds like he was on his way to harming himself or someone else.
Brian
Ghtrim-The right decision is not always the easiest.

Scream
12-13-2004, 06:21 PM
Traci, you did the right thing IMO, and I had a similar situation with my mom. After my dad died, she decided on her own to move into a retirement facility. Not too long after, we noticed her car was gettin kinda banged up. Not much really, but scrapes and scratches, a loose bumper, a cracked tail light. We started talking to her about what she's been hitting and she couldn't remember hitting a thing. Time to take the car away. We took the car away and left the license. She knew it was time, and we had talked about it together before we decided it was time (we all work together every day, so that part was easy).

wsuwrhr
12-13-2004, 06:22 PM
I should add that years ago a 90 year old man ran a red light and hit my father's car and destoyed my dads car.
My dad helped the guy out of the car, and he asked him, "Why didnt you stop at the light?"
He replyed "What light?"
Damn.
Could have been worse,
Brian

topless
12-13-2004, 06:33 PM
Yes Traci, you did the right thing. Sometimes it's easier to blame than to accept things as they really are. My car was hit once by a little old lady (79) and she didn't even know she did it. This was 11 years ago. She had just lost her husband and could barely see over the steering wheel. Since she didn't want to lose her license, she paid me cash...........and gave me a bible. I felt really sorry for her but at the time, I just wanted my car fixed. Now looking back, I wish I had reported it only because she could and might have done more damage to someone else or herself.,

ColeTR1
12-13-2004, 06:39 PM
I took my dads drivers license from him when he was 81 years old.
He had fallen asleep at the wheel in an intersection and rolled out into traffic, he had lost his car in the parking lot, he had rear ended someone......
I was the ONLY one in the family (out of 6) that would do this and I am by far the youngest.
Was I wrong? Or are they being too harsh?
Look at the guy that drove threw the market place in Southern California. I will bet you!! Both the victim’s family’s and the family of the elderly man that killed all those people wish someone like you had intervened sooner. He had several small accidents before that big one. You just can’t wait!! Sounds like the youngest got the brains and the looks in the family. You did the right thing!!!

JetBoatRich
12-13-2004, 06:51 PM
Great move :cool: should be more people that step up and protect others :wink:
Did the same thing with my Dad, when he had his first stroke he thought he could still drive and do what he wanted. Second stroke, the rest of the family supported it :eek:

moneysucker
12-13-2004, 07:10 PM
Correct me if I am wrong but I believe at 75 you are required to take a test every year in AZ to retain your license. My AZ license is good til I am 65 I got it at 23. You did the right thing by taking it, but the state should do more to keep unsafe drivers off the road. By taking a test every year past a certain age, when you are retired and have nothing better to do anyways, would help others faced with this kind of decision.

sam pioske
12-13-2004, 07:18 PM
Hi Traci Was in the same spot -youngest of six ,"they were to busy" So i took care of my mom her last 20 years. Her car was her freedom also, but the time had come. We made the decision and F**k um !!

JustMVG
12-13-2004, 07:26 PM
Traci you did the right thing, i am thinking of doing the same thing to my dad, he's got some health issues and takes quite a bit of meds, some make him hyper and some take himdown, it's a bad combo, i have been with him driving and lately he's waaaayy off the pace, too fast or too slow, and doesn't see anything like he used to. Speeding has always been his thing, guess that's where i got it from, well he's had three speeding tix in at least a year and a half, has backed into cars in the parking lots, and generally does all the things wrong that older folks tend to do. So i am going to have a talk with him this coming weekend. Hate to see him lose that freedom but i want him around for a few more years and him not be a danger to himself and others.
MVG

Lady Rat Attack 1
12-14-2004, 05:54 AM
Hey T - I know you miss your family in the worst way but you were 100% correct in what you did. You saved him from maybe something very tragic happening to him if he still had his license. Maybe someday your family can come to terms with your decision. I think maybe they need to read some of the posts in here about forgiving and keeping in touch :frown:

R.A.D.man
12-14-2004, 06:23 AM
By being the one closest to him on a daily basis gave you the responsibility to to what you did and no one can argue with that. I believe as others have stated that your siblings hold something else as the root of the problem and use the license issue as an excuse and a bad one at that. My gandfather is in in this situation now and my father and grandmother are the closest and best suited to make the decision. Thanks to you, I will be discussing it with them when I am home for Xmas. I know it is already in the back of everyones mind. Better safe than sorry as everyone here seems to agree.

lucky
12-14-2004, 07:27 AM
Traci -
I think we are the same people - my old man is 67 and a retired temster and he can't drive ( lol ) I tense up every time he floats the line - at 81 your dad shouldn't have been driving - cause he would have kicked your ass in the parking lot race ...... :D

Steph
12-14-2004, 08:22 AM
You did the right thing anything sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I work for an Ophthamologist office and we have to fill out DMV forms all the time denying people of driving.
It is a tough thing to do but when they are seeing 20/80 with glasses and have no peripheral vision it is not safe to have them driving.
We have had many arguments with the patients while the family members are calling saying please dont give in and let them pass it.
You took care of him and you probably know him better then the rest of the family.

Her454
12-14-2004, 09:41 AM
Thanks everyone. This time of year rolls around and I second guess myself. Yes your right, more to it than just the license and its normal family stuff, ridiculous actually but every family has it I guess. At any rate the license deal is sensitive with me so its a point they bring up whenever they can.
As for the DMV/law I had asked the DMV back then to pull his license and was told they could not. It was basically up to me.
And Thanks Lady Rat, your the best friend anyone could ever have. Love ya.

welk2party
12-14-2004, 09:54 AM
I agree with everyone here on the pulling the license. The family sounds like they have other issues and are hiding behind this lame crutch. They should have the courage to deal with their feelings and opinions and openly discuss them with each of you. Trust me I know, easier said then done. Are they going to blame you when she moves on from this life and say if you let her drive she would have been better off? Just some of my thoughts on the matter.

HCS
12-14-2004, 09:57 AM
It scares the crap out of me when I ride with my mother. I can relate totally.
Sometimes I wonder how much longer she should be behind the wheel.

lucky
12-14-2004, 09:57 AM
I agree with everyone here on the pulling the license. The family sounds like they have other issues and are hiding behind this lame crutch. They should have the courage to deal with their feelings and opinions and openly discuss them with each of you. Trust me I know, easier said then done. Are they going to blame you when she moves on from this life and say if you let her drive she would have been better off? Just some of my thoughts on the matter.
I HAVE FOUND THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH FAMILY PROBLEMS IS TO INVITE THEM ALL OVER FOR A HOLIDAY AND ADD LOTS OF ALKY -- NOT ONLY IS IT FUN TO WATCH BUT YOU GET TO BUY NEW FURNITURE TOO !

HCS
12-14-2004, 09:59 AM
I HAVE FOUND THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH FAMILY PROBLEMS IS TO INVITE THEM ALL OVER FOR A HOLIDAY AND ADD LOTS OF ALKY -- NOT ONLY IS IT FUN TO WATCH BUT YOU GET TO BUY NEW FURNITURE TOO !
One time my uncle remodeled his house that way. :jawdrop:

Her454
12-14-2004, 10:07 AM
I HAVE FOUND THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH FAMILY PROBLEMS IS TO INVITE THEM ALL OVER FOR A HOLIDAY AND ADD LOTS OF ALKY -- NOT ONLY IS IT FUN TO WATCH BUT YOU GET TO BUY NEW FURNITURE TOO !
................My sister and I would end up killing each other. Christmas of 84 she had toooo much to drink, (and Im sure a few other things too) started a fight and threw me in the swimming pool....... it was not good. :frown:

topless
12-14-2004, 10:26 AM
................My sister threw me in the swimming pool....... it was not good. :frown:LMAO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>was it cold?

Her454
12-14-2004, 10:45 AM
LMAO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>was it cold?
Yep. :mad: And I meant to say Christmas of 94, not 84.

HYPNAUTIC
12-14-2004, 11:21 AM
4 years ago my wife and I had to go to court to testify against a 91yr old gentleman who was driving in a parking lot and hit 4 parked cars (one of them mine) and then fled the sceen. The city of Lake Forest filed a complaint with the DMV to have his privledges revoked and he tried to fight it. Turns out that this was his 3rd accident in 5 months. When asked why he left the sceen he said that he did not cause enough damage to stop.
Long story short - licensed revoked and his ins. paid to have all the cars fixed.

Her454
12-14-2004, 03:21 PM
Print this thread out and mail it to your siblings with their Christmas cards. :cool:
LMAO, I didnt see this Todd.....I dont waste my money on cards anymore. :D