HCS
01-07-2005, 12:30 PM
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
ItÂ’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know whatÂ’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. ThatÂ’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
WeÂ’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but weÂ’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I canÂ’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking
I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down.
Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I donÂ’t even know what the commercial isÂ…
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
IÂ’m like that is the greatest disease ever.
How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools nowÂ… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kidsÂ’ self-esteem,
make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem,
who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
WhatÂ’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women donÂ’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddys missing dance recitals
before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears,
where does that leave me on a Friday night
with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds
that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe
what these guys do, donÂ’t you think?
TheyÂ’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack.
And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the ****ing mastermind here? Me or you?”
Americans, letÂ’s face it: WeÂ’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity.
They say weÂ’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio.
Like weÂ’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny,
there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
IÂ’ll sit at a drive thru.
IÂ’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to
make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother ****er.
ThereÂ’s room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that?
ItÂ’s only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth
to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school,
do you think thereÂ’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear
shoved up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”
WeÂ’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then
I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, thatÂ’s what IÂ’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys.
Like if you give them money theyÂ’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack?
HeÂ’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says,
"Why donÂ’t you go get a job you bum?"
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants.
IÂ’m guessing his resume isnÂ’t all up to date.
IÂ’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
IÂ’m pretty sure even McDonalds has an
“underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly,
but technically IÂ’m sure it is on the books.
ItÂ’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know whatÂ’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. ThatÂ’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
WeÂ’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but weÂ’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I canÂ’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking
I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down.
Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I donÂ’t even know what the commercial isÂ…
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
IÂ’m like that is the greatest disease ever.
How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools nowÂ… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kidsÂ’ self-esteem,
make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem,
who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
WhatÂ’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women donÂ’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddys missing dance recitals
before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears,
where does that leave me on a Friday night
with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds
that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe
what these guys do, donÂ’t you think?
TheyÂ’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack.
And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the ****ing mastermind here? Me or you?”
Americans, letÂ’s face it: WeÂ’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity.
They say weÂ’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio.
Like weÂ’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny,
there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
IÂ’ll sit at a drive thru.
IÂ’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to
make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother ****er.
ThereÂ’s room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that?
ItÂ’s only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth
to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school,
do you think thereÂ’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear
shoved up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”
WeÂ’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then
I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, thatÂ’s what IÂ’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys.
Like if you give them money theyÂ’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack?
HeÂ’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says,
"Why donÂ’t you go get a job you bum?"
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants.
IÂ’m guessing his resume isnÂ’t all up to date.
IÂ’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
IÂ’m pretty sure even McDonalds has an
“underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly,
but technically IÂ’m sure it is on the books.