Well it's official...

[hoolign]

I let a wet one go :eek: tried the ol left cheek sneak...and I think some snuck :hammerhea

[topless]

Ewww you sharted.

[Mrs.Racer277]

TMI
Now you better go sit in those bubbles. :)

[hoolign]

Ewww you sharted.
well in laymans terms...YEP :D

[hoolign]

TMI
Now you better go sit in those bubbles. :)
Good thinkin!..
:D

[hoolign]

Now thats bullshit..60 views of this thread and only two peeps are concerned about my dilema..I have a rectal malfunction with near tramatizing results...and only two people care if i'm ok..thats it the rest of you are on the list..now kindly post your names so I can PUT you on the list :D

[topless]

Poor Hooli.....Are you feeling unloved?

[Mrs.Racer277]

Now thats bullshit..60 views of this thread and only two peeps are concerned about my dilema..I have a rectal malfunction with near tramatizing results...and only two people care if i'm ok..thats it the rest of you are on the list..now kindly post your names so I can PUT you on the list :D
Awwwwwwww we ALL really care HOOLI. But I still think I could have done without this info. Maybe Tom Brown can help you out here. :wink: :wink:

[hoolign]

Poor Hooli.....Are you feeling unloved?
You mocking me?? trying to get on the list are we :D

[topless]

I'd never mock you after your love letter this morning. :D

[hoolign]

Awwwwwwww we ALL really care HOOLI. But I still think I could have done without this info. Maybe Tom Brown can help you out here. :wink: :wink:
Did Tom ever tell you his last name used to be WHite?? :D

[topless]

Did Tom ever tell you his last name used to be WHite?? :DSo did your shorts. :smile:

[hoolign]

I'd never mock you after your love letter this morning. :D
Can I heat a chick up or what! :D

[Rev. Williams]

Dude, I feel for ya..... I've left a few Hershey Kisses in the shorts myself :(
Now you gotta pull um off before it soaks into the pants and go the rest of the day commando !!

[hoolign]

So did your shorts. :smile:
.i put them on my tailgate in hopes that theyll dry out and i just gotta brush the dust off :jawdrop:

[riverracerx]

That is why I never wear white underwear!
Sounds like you have a serious exhaust leak. You need to quit playing with your gasket.

[Jrocket]

Yep,I remember my first slip up.Seems like it was just yesterday.You get excited when your first one slips through but after the second or tenth one rides it way out you just go with the flow.Its just part of life and not really all that bad.Sometimes I just wait until the next one comes along to do a duo clean up job,unless it burns my leg like last time then ohhhhhhhh yeah it gets cleaned up right away!
PS....If you ever get bored,ask Topless about her driving skills! :p

[welk2party]

I had one of those the other day..thought it was cool, but no, had to make a run for the restroom. :hammer2:

[topless]

PS....If you ever get bored,ask Topless about her driving skills! :pOh you just HAD to go there didn't you? :hammer2: :hammer2:

[pixilatedpussy]

I let a wet one go :eek: tried the ol left cheek sneak...and I think some snuck :hammerhea
Too much Maalox! :D

[HCS]

I can't figure out if you need to quit eating prunes or you need to buy some Depends. Or both. :jawdrop:

[LASERRAY]

Try some ass cork. And for Christ's sake, stop watching those Ronald Regan films. They're having an adverse effect on your tender bowel............................................. .......

[piper]

bubble guts!

[Throttle]

That is why I never wear white underwear!
Sounds like you have a serious exhaust leak. You need to quit playing with your gasket.
thats why I never wear any! trunks and thongs... sandals... shoes... nevermind... no shoes... just trunks...

[HCS]

Try some ass cork. And for Christ's sake, stop watching those Ronald Regan films. They're having an adverse effect on your tender bowel............................................. .......
Maybe Tom Brown can kick down some Canadian muffins.

[Tom Brown]

I just got back from the lake and I had to stop to take a shit. Holy cow, it was bad. The putty started coming out and, no matter how hard I squeezed, it just wouldn't stop. It just got faster and thinner.
Your condition is an amber level threat but keep us informed. I'm at orange and worry that I'll wake up tomorrow to see that I was at the red level sometime during the night.

[Throttle]

I just got back from the lake and I had to stop to take a shit. Holy cow, it was bad. The putty started coming out and, no matter how hard I squeezed, it just wouldn't stop. It just got faster and thinner.
Your condition is an amber level threat but keep us informed. I'm at orange and worry that I'll wake up tomorrow to see that I was at the red level sometime during the night.
thats good stuff, maybe just a touch to much... now get back to your chores, start by cleaning the head.

[LASERRAY]

I just got back from the lake and I had to stop to take a shit. Holy cow, it was bad. The putty started coming out and, no matter how hard I squeezed, it just wouldn't stop. It just got faster and thinner.
Your condition is an amber level threat but keep us informed. I'm at orange and worry that I'll wake up tomorrow to see that I was at the red level sometime during the night.
Thanks for the ass sandwich Tom. I'm sure that your moment of truth was very spectacular indeed, and climaxed in quite a significant yied of bran byproduct, yes.

[Wonderboy]

This is a true story....
My friend was at the Mall with his girlfriend. After eating something, he started getting bubble guts. So at first he thinks that the first thing he'll do when he gets home is to drop a deuce. Well, a couple minutes later he realizes that there probably isn't enough time so he tells his chick that they need to start making their way towards the restroom. About half way up the escalator things start taking a turn for the worse and he's starting to wonder now if he'll even MAKE it to the bathroom and he starts doing the poopy dance. As they crest over the top of the escalator he's now absolutely certain that this is going to be ugly. Without even thinking he starts looking for somewhere he can back his ass up to and finds a planter. He knows that this is not something you do in public but he doesn't care one bit. So as he's walking very quickly towards the planter it happens.He's wearing WHITE shorts, really thin, almost like board shorts. According to his girlfriend, his eyes got really big. She asked what's wrong and he told her to give him a sweater that she'd been wearing. She asked why and so he told her that he had just shit his pants. He tied the sweater around his waste and went into the bathroom. He stripped off his shorts and underwear and sat down on the toilet, which is now very slippery from all the liquid shit on his ass. After blowing the rest of it out, he waits for there to be no one in there, and runs butt naked from the waste down to the sink so he could wash some of the crap out of his shorts and clean up his legs and feet (he was wearing flip flops and the crap was very runny). He made a couple of trips from the sink back to the toilet cause people would come in, left his underware hanging on the handicap rail, put his shorts back on, tied the sweater back around his waste and told his girlfriend to drive him straight home.

[Miss Perfect]

This is a true story....
My friend was at the Mall with his girlfriend. After eating something, he started getting bubble guts. So at first he thinks that the first thing he'll do when he gets home is to drop a deuce. Well, a couple minutes later he realizes that there probably isn't enough time so he tells his chick that they need to start making their way towards the restroom. About half way up the escalator things start taking a turn for the worse and he's starting to wonder now if he'll even MAKE it to the bathroom and he starts doing the poopy dance. As they crest over the top of the escalator he's now absolutely certain that this is going to be ugly. Without even thinking he starts looking for somewhere he can back his ass up to and finds a planter. He knows that this is not something you do in public but he doesn't care one bit. So as he's walking very quickly towards the planter it happens.He's wearing WHITE shorts, really thin, almost like board shorts. According to his girlfriend, his eyes got really big. She asked what's wrong and he told her to give him a sweater that she'd been wearing. She asked why and so he told her that he had just shit his pants. He tied the sweater around his waste and went into the bathroom. He stripped off his shorts and underwear and sat down on the toilet, which is now very slippery from all the liquid shit on his ass. After blowing the rest of it out, he waits for there to be no one in there, and runs butt naked from the waste down to the sink so he could wash some of the crap out of his shorts and clean up his legs and feet (he was wearing flip flops and the crap was very runny). He made a couple of trips from the sink back to the toilet cause people would come in, left his underware hanging on the handicap rail, put his shorts back on, tied the sweater back around his waste and told his girlfriend to drive him straight home.
OMG! I could have so done without that story tonight! :p

[piper]

This is a true story....
My friend was at the Mall with his girlfriend. After eating something, he started getting bubble guts. So at first he thinks that the first thing he'll do when he gets home is to drop a deuce. Well, a couple minutes later he realizes that there probably isn't enough time so he tells his chick that they need to start making their way towards the restroom. About half way up the escalator things start taking a turn for the worse and he's starting to wonder now if he'll even MAKE it to the bathroom and he starts doing the poopy dance. As they crest over the top of the escalator he's now absolutely certain that this is going to be ugly. Without even thinking he starts looking for somewhere he can back his ass up to and finds a planter. He knows that this is not something you do in public but he doesn't care one bit. So as he's walking very quickly towards the planter it happens.He's wearing WHITE shorts, really thin, almost like board shorts. According to his girlfriend, his eyes got really big. She asked what's wrong and he told her to give him a sweater that she'd been wearing. She asked why and so he told her that he had just shit his pants. He tied the sweater around his waste and went into the bathroom. He stripped off his shorts and underwear and sat down on the toilet, which is now very slippery from all the liquid shit on his ass. After blowing the rest of it out, he waits for there to be no one in there, and runs butt naked from the waste down to the sink so he could wash some of the crap out of his shorts and clean up his legs and feet (he was wearing flip flops and the crap was very runny). He made a couple of trips from the sink back to the toilet cause people would come in, left his underware hanging on the handicap rail, put his shorts back on, tied the sweater back around his waste and told his girlfriend to drive him straight home.
That was a great story. Similar thing happened to a co-worker here at work last week. He didn't make it to the restroom. We've been giving him hell for it, because that's what good friends do. :devil:

[FMluvswater]

This is a true story....
My friend was at the Mall with his girlfriend. After eating something, he started getting bubble guts. So at first he thinks that the first thing he'll do when he gets home is to drop a deuce. Well, a couple minutes later he realizes that there probably isn't enough time so he tells his chick that they need to start making their way towards the restroom. About half way up the escalator things start taking a turn for the worse and he's starting to wonder now if he'll even MAKE it to the bathroom and he starts doing the poopy dance. As they crest over the top of the escalator he's now absolutely certain that this is going to be ugly. Without even thinking he starts looking for somewhere he can back his ass up to and finds a planter. He knows that this is not something you do in public but he doesn't care one bit. So as he's walking very quickly towards the planter it happens.He's wearing WHITE shorts, really thin, almost like board shorts. According to his girlfriend, his eyes got really big. She asked what's wrong and he told her to give him a sweater that she'd been wearing. She asked why and so he told her that he had just shit his pants. He tied the sweater around his waste and went into the bathroom. He stripped off his shorts and underwear and sat down on the toilet, which is now very slippery from all the liquid shit on his ass. After blowing the rest of it out, he waits for there to be no one in there, and runs butt naked from the waste down to the sink so he could wash some of the crap out of his shorts and clean up his legs and feet (he was wearing flip flops and the crap was very runny). He made a couple of trips from the sink back to the toilet cause people would come in, left his underware hanging on the handicap rail, put his shorts back on, tied the sweater back around his waste and told his girlfriend to drive him straight home.
LMFAO! :D I can't even imagine how awful that must have been for him but damn it's funny to read about! :D
Makes your shart seem rather unimpressive eh, Hoolign? :D BTW I'm truly sorry for your trauma, Hoolign and thanks for sharing! :D

[thom]

A wise old man once told me whatever you do wipe away from the seeds....
Words to live by if you do this everything will be fine

[2NDTIMEAROUND]

Well now earlier you stated you were putting peeps on the list might that be the shit list

[R.A.D.man]

The teacher asks the children to use the word definately in a sentance. First one says the sky is definately blue, teacher says no, it can be black or grey too. Seond kid says the grass is definately green, teaches says no, it is sometimes brown. Third kids stand up and first asks the teacher if farts have lumps in them, she says no, he says well then, I have definately shit my pants.

[BarryMac]

OMG, I was laughing o hard at reding this story that I had to cut/copy/paste half way through it and take it to our shop to finish reading it, the people that sit near me in my office kept asking me if I was okay, while laughing and crying I told them Yes. Good story Bob, yeah I know not your real name...
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.
Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.
But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no ****ing toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.
Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.