JustMVG
08-01-2005, 07:57 AM
Well here are some funnies and thoughts, and if you are old enough to remember the Hollywood Squares with Paul Lynde, Rose Marie, the classic H.S. then you'll get a kick out of the last part. Hope you all enjoy and had a great weekend.
RETIREMENT PLAN
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price,
you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
==========
A WONDERFUL TIME
--from Steve Goodier's "A Life That Makes A Difference"
I have a collection of humorous and poignant epitaphs and tombstone
verses. Not because I am morbid, but because what is said about someone
who has recently died is so important. Granted, not all tombstone sayings
are telling. Like the one for Lester Moore at Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les
No More.
Or this grave marker from Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Sometimes these "last words" reveal more than the deceased may have
wanted, like this one:
Here lies a fellow who lived for himself
And cared for nothing
But gathering pelf,
Now, where he is or how he fares,
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
These posthumous writings will often summarize a life. If accurate,
they can point the reader to that which was most important to the
deceased. Did this person enjoy life? Was she cared for? Did he make a
difference? Did she leave a legacy?
When you die, how will you be remembered?
Columnist Nick Clooney in NICK: Collected Columns of Nick Clooney
(Irena Hochman Fine Art Ltd., 1997) printed some epitaphs from people still
alive, written by themselves. Some were humorous, some serious. Some
hoped that their own original epitaph would be close to the way they
might be remembered. One that I truly love came from Charlie Mechem, former
head of Taft Broadcasting. Charlie wished that this might be put on his
tombstone:
"Dear God,
Thanks for letting me visit.
I had a wonderful time."
Isn't that terrific? And could it be said about you...that you were
grateful for the visit and had a wonderful time? That's a life worth
living!
==========
SOME THINGs to THINK ABOUT
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell
you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your
license, are you going to be smiling?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
==========
ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUAREs
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and
clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall
was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
RETIREMENT PLAN
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price,
you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
==========
A WONDERFUL TIME
--from Steve Goodier's "A Life That Makes A Difference"
I have a collection of humorous and poignant epitaphs and tombstone
verses. Not because I am morbid, but because what is said about someone
who has recently died is so important. Granted, not all tombstone sayings
are telling. Like the one for Lester Moore at Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les
No More.
Or this grave marker from Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Sometimes these "last words" reveal more than the deceased may have
wanted, like this one:
Here lies a fellow who lived for himself
And cared for nothing
But gathering pelf,
Now, where he is or how he fares,
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
These posthumous writings will often summarize a life. If accurate,
they can point the reader to that which was most important to the
deceased. Did this person enjoy life? Was she cared for? Did he make a
difference? Did she leave a legacy?
When you die, how will you be remembered?
Columnist Nick Clooney in NICK: Collected Columns of Nick Clooney
(Irena Hochman Fine Art Ltd., 1997) printed some epitaphs from people still
alive, written by themselves. Some were humorous, some serious. Some
hoped that their own original epitaph would be close to the way they
might be remembered. One that I truly love came from Charlie Mechem, former
head of Taft Broadcasting. Charlie wished that this might be put on his
tombstone:
"Dear God,
Thanks for letting me visit.
I had a wonderful time."
Isn't that terrific? And could it be said about you...that you were
grateful for the visit and had a wonderful time? That's a life worth
living!
==========
SOME THINGs to THINK ABOUT
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell
you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your
license, are you going to be smiling?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
==========
ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUAREs
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and
clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall
was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.