Mike.A
08-23-2005, 07:40 AM
ANNUAL DARWIN AWARDS
> > > > >
> > > > > Yes, they are finally out again. It's an annual
honor given to the
> > > person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
himself in
> > > the most extraordinarily stupid way.
> > > > >
> > > > > Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by
a Coke machine
> > > which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip
a free
> > > soda
> > > out of it.
> > > > >
> > > > > And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:
> > > > >
> > > > > 7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk
>cheaply
> > > because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with
> > > milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited
> > > into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and
fire
> > > burned his house down, killing both himself and,
unfortunately, his
> > > sister.
> > > > >
> > > > > 6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his
> > > > > home
> > > died of suffocation. According to police, he was about 6'2"
tall and
> > > weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black
> > > and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was
> > > trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a
> > > military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber
> > > hose
> > > attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one
> > > end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The
tube's
> > > other end was inserted into his rectum, for reasons unknown,
and was
> > > the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the
> > > circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
> > > > >
> > > > > 5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low
>altitude
> > > when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon
> > > the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their
own
> > > aircraft
> > > and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants
> > > around their ankles.
> > > > >
> > > > > 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man
was found dead
> > > after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70
foot
>railroad
> > > trestle.Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker,
> > > taped a bunch of the straps together, wrapped one end around
one
> > > ankle,
> > > anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped
> > > and
> > > hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said
> > > investigators think Barciawas alone because his car was found
nearby
> > > and
>
>
> > > that "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater
than the
> > > distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say
the
> > > apparent
>
> > > cause of death was "Major trauma."
> > > > >
> > > > > 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
It seems that
> > > > > he
>and
> > > a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a
> > > "ball". The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
candidate, was
> > > hospitalized.
> > > > >
> > > > > 2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed
> > > > > the
> > > smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building,
> > > extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights,
power, etc.
> > > After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the gas
> > > company weredispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they
> > > had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration,
none of
> > > the
>lights
> > > worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians
> > > reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a
>cigarette
> > > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the
>warehouse
> > > exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was
> > > found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by
> > > the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
had never
> > > been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
> > > > >
> > > > > AND NOW, THE WINNER.....
> > > > >
> > > > > 1. Acting on a bet made by the other members of
his foursome,
>
> > > Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball
washer at the
>local
> > > golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
are a bad
> > > mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle
his
> > > scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
buddies upped
> > > the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's
scrotum
> > > in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who
>
> > > immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and
tumbled from
> > > his
>
>
> > > perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was
> > > more
>
>
> > > than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles were in
a normal
>stance,
>
> > > and the scrotum was the weakest link.
> > > Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall and one
testicle was
> > > plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer,
while the
> > > other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between
> > > the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside.
To add
>
> > > insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he
had just
>
> > > purchased from the pro shop which he was using to balance
himself.
>
> > > Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining
>
> > > threesome were asked to leave the golf course.
> > >
> > > > > P.S. This one wouldn't normally count because the
idiot didn't die
> > > but, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of
> > > stupidity, it was allowed.
> > > > >
> > > > > Yes, they are finally out again. It's an annual
honor given to the
> > > person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
himself in
> > > the most extraordinarily stupid way.
> > > > >
> > > > > Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by
a Coke machine
> > > which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip
a free
> > > soda
> > > out of it.
> > > > >
> > > > > And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:
> > > > >
> > > > > 7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk
>cheaply
> > > because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with
> > > milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited
> > > into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and
fire
> > > burned his house down, killing both himself and,
unfortunately, his
> > > sister.
> > > > >
> > > > > 6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his
> > > > > home
> > > died of suffocation. According to police, he was about 6'2"
tall and
> > > weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black
> > > and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was
> > > trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a
> > > military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber
> > > hose
> > > attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one
> > > end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The
tube's
> > > other end was inserted into his rectum, for reasons unknown,
and was
> > > the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the
> > > circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
> > > > >
> > > > > 5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low
>altitude
> > > when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon
> > > the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their
own
> > > aircraft
> > > and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants
> > > around their ankles.
> > > > >
> > > > > 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man
was found dead
> > > after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70
foot
>railroad
> > > trestle.Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker,
> > > taped a bunch of the straps together, wrapped one end around
one
> > > ankle,
> > > anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped
> > > and
> > > hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said
> > > investigators think Barciawas alone because his car was found
nearby
> > > and
>
>
> > > that "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater
than the
> > > distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say
the
> > > apparent
>
> > > cause of death was "Major trauma."
> > > > >
> > > > > 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
It seems that
> > > > > he
>and
> > > a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a
> > > "ball". The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
candidate, was
> > > hospitalized.
> > > > >
> > > > > 2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed
> > > > > the
> > > smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building,
> > > extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights,
power, etc.
> > > After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the gas
> > > company weredispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they
> > > had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration,
none of
> > > the
>lights
> > > worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians
> > > reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a
>cigarette
> > > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the
>warehouse
> > > exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was
> > > found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by
> > > the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
had never
> > > been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
> > > > >
> > > > > AND NOW, THE WINNER.....
> > > > >
> > > > > 1. Acting on a bet made by the other members of
his foursome,
>
> > > Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball
washer at the
>local
> > > golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
are a bad
> > > mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle
his
> > > scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
buddies upped
> > > the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's
scrotum
> > > in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who
>
> > > immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and
tumbled from
> > > his
>
>
> > > perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was
> > > more
>
>
> > > than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles were in
a normal
>stance,
>
> > > and the scrotum was the weakest link.
> > > Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall and one
testicle was
> > > plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer,
while the
> > > other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between
> > > the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside.
To add
>
> > > insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he
had just
>
> > > purchased from the pro shop which he was using to balance
himself.
>
> > > Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining
>
> > > threesome were asked to leave the golf course.
> > >
> > > > > P.S. This one wouldn't normally count because the
idiot didn't die
> > > but, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of
> > > stupidity, it was allowed.