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Jbb
10-31-2005, 08:23 PM
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.
"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do ...
Do Not Go!!!
I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dysleptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot ... but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."

FMluvswater
11-01-2005, 01:25 AM
Happy to say my sense of humor ain't busted! LMFAO@Milk Duds! :D

pjones
11-01-2005, 06:03 AM
Six flags over hell. Thats a funny story...

Red Horse
11-01-2005, 06:16 AM
The pilots love to give incentive flights.
What he did not mention were the usually 12 hours days, about 2 of it flying. The rest studing, learning, etc. They always have to perfect their everything. They attend multiple classroom training sessions, exercises with other countrys and get graded on everything from "Ging" the airframe to bombs on target ( not all bombs are smart). Some are pretty cocky assholes, but most are pretty cool. The US govenment gives them a multi million dollar toy to play with.

Sherpa
11-01-2005, 06:48 AM
neat story..................
--Sherpa

Keith E. Sayre
01-21-2006, 10:12 AM
Thanks JBB, I don't believe that we've met but I want to say that there are
alot of people I do know on this board that laugh regularly while reading stuff
that you post. keep it up!
Keith Sayre
Conquest Boats

Biglue
01-21-2006, 11:12 AM
That was a great story JBB. Was laughing well before "milk duds". Thanks for sharing that one.

Hardly Satisfied
01-21-2006, 12:01 PM
Good story

Jbb
01-21-2006, 01:40 PM
Thanks JBB, I don't believe that we've met but I want to say that there are
alot of people I do know on this board that laugh regularly while reading stuff
that you post. keep it up!
Keith Sayre
Conquest Boats
Thanks Keith :p ...I do what I can.... :D

OutCole'd
01-21-2006, 02:54 PM
Throwing down....LMAO !!!

Biglue
01-03-2007, 04:49 PM
Thanks again for this one JBB. :D

Jbb
01-03-2007, 04:56 PM
You're welcome....what's the deal with FM?....:confused:

Biglue
01-03-2007, 05:32 PM
You're welcome....what's the deal with FM?....:confused:
Dunno, I saw that also.

Tom Brown
01-03-2007, 05:51 PM
She told me in confidence that Jbb's eye thing was FREAKING HER OUT! http://www.***boat.com/ubb/eek.gif

SmokinLowriderSS
01-03-2007, 05:53 PM
Dayum that was funny. Nice one Jbb. :)

Jbb
01-03-2007, 05:59 PM
She told me in confidence that Jbb's eye thing was FREAKING HER OUT! http://www.***boat.com/ubb/eek.gif
Wouldn't be the first one.....:D

photo chick
01-03-2007, 06:05 PM
Wouldn't be the first one.....:D
Nope...you...I mean it freaks me out too!!!:D

Jbb
01-03-2007, 06:20 PM
Nope...you...I mean it freaks me out too!!!:D
I hear that alot.....

work2play
01-03-2007, 06:25 PM
Great story.

BEER&WATER
01-03-2007, 06:31 PM
we gota figure out a way to get you payed for this stuff
JBB im pretty shure you dont have a real job

Jbb
01-03-2007, 06:35 PM
.......Job........................................ ..................:jawdrop:

ToMorrow44
01-04-2007, 12:53 AM
Heres a good clip of a similar event. The reporter was interviewed afterward (not shown in this video) and he is just drenched in sweat.
Blue Angles Reporter (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiVNw_GN-bg)