JustMVG
10-09-2006, 04:28 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>> syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
>> below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>>
>> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>>
>> Here's what happened:
>> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
>> his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
>> serious dad, Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement
on
>> my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
>> was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew
>> what to do.
>> "Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my
>> wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
>> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
>> didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do
>> you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I
>> actually think she said this
>> sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
>> reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting
>> my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well,
>> it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know." She
>> informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of
>> the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
>> deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
>> wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the
>> miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT
>> just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little
>> lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
>> being snotty here, too. Don't
>> you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
>> like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
>> later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's
>> breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son
>> urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the
foot
>> when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
>> tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call
911,"
>> my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through
>> the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do
Lamaze,"
>> his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
>> I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb,
>> for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>> peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>> speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son
to step outside.
>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the
Vet
>> assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER
>> going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
>> And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species,
>> they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back."
>> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.
>> Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
>> just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet
>> replied, relieved that we understood.
>> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle.
>> And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing,
>> but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
>> affront to my flawless manliness.
>> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
>> just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
>> little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
>> the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
was
going to be okay.
>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>> "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing
>> with laughter.
>> 2 - Lizards - $140...
>> 1 - Cage - $50...
>> Trip to the Vet - $30...
>> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
>>
>> Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
>> syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
>> below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>>
>> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>>
>> Here's what happened:
>> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
>> his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
>> serious dad, Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement
on
>> my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
>> was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew
>> what to do.
>> "Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my
>> wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
>> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
>> didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do
>> you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I
>> actually think she said this
>> sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
>> reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting
>> my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well,
>> it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know." She
>> informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of
>> the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
>> deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
>> wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the
>> miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT
>> just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little
>> lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
>> being snotty here, too. Don't
>> you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
>> like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
>> later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's
>> breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son
>> urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the
foot
>> when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
>> tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call
911,"
>> my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through
>> the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do
Lamaze,"
>> his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
>> I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb,
>> for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>> peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>> speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son
to step outside.
>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the
Vet
>> assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER
>> going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
>> And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species,
>> they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back."
>> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.
>> Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
>> just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet
>> replied, relieved that we understood.
>> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle.
>> And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing,
>> but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
>> affront to my flawless manliness.
>> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
>> just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
>> little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
>> the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
was
going to be okay.
>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>> "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing
>> with laughter.
>> 2 - Lizards - $140...
>> 1 - Cage - $50...
>> Trip to the Vet - $30...
>> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
>>
>> Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs