Wednesday's funnies

[NashvilleBound]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own Fu**in blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted. :D :D

[NashvilleBound]

lady is looking in mirror, she says to her husband, "i look fat, ugly, and my breasts are sagging, pay me a compliment"
the husband says, " your eyesight is perfect". :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

[NashvilleBound]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The
Man Of Your House."He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you
are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I
want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Afterwards, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
The wife replied,"The f**kin' funeral director would be my
first guess." :)

[NashvilleBound]

UPS .......
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of >humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on
back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right
wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away
from midget.