Big Warlock
02-12-2006, 09:16 AM
> BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
>
>
> SYMPTOM
>
> CAUSE
>
> CORRECTIVE ACTION
>
>
> Feet cold and wet
>
> Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
>
> Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
>
>
> Feet warm and wet
>
> Improper Bladder Control
>
> Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
>
>
> Beer unusually pale and tasteless
>
> a. Glass empty.
> b. You're holding a Coors Lite
>
> Get someone to buy you another beer
>
>
> Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
>
> You have fallen over backward.
>
> Have yourself leashed to bar
>
>
> Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
>
> You have fallen forward
>
> See above
>
>
> Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
>
> a. Mouth not open
> b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
>
> Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
>
>
> Floor Blurred
>
> You are looking through bottom of empty glass
>
> Get someone to buy you another beer
>
>
> Floor moving
>
> You are being carried out
>
> Find out if you are being taken to another bar
>
>
> Room seems unusually dark
>
> Bar has closed
>
> Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to
> go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
>
>
> Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
>
> Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
>
> Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
>
>
> Everyone looks up to you and smiles
>
> You are dancing on the table
>
> Fall on someone cushy-looking
>
>
> Beer is crystal-clear
>
> It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
>
> Punch him
>
>
> People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
>
> You're in the ladies' room
>
> Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the
> hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
>
>
> Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
>
> You have been in a fight
>
> Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
>
>
> Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
>
> You've wandered into the wrong party
>
> See if they have free beer
>
>
> Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting
> steel
> door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
>
> a. You're in jail
> b. You're in the navy
>
> Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new
> roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
>
>
> You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing
> leather chaps
>
> You're in a gay bar
>
> Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept
> offers for backrubs
>
>
> Your singing sounds distorted
>
> The beer is too weak
>
> Have more beer until your voice improves
>
>
> Don't remember the words to the song
>
> Beer is just right
>
> Play air guitar
>
>
>
>
> SYMPTOM
>
> CAUSE
>
> CORRECTIVE ACTION
>
>
> Feet cold and wet
>
> Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
>
> Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
>
>
> Feet warm and wet
>
> Improper Bladder Control
>
> Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
>
>
> Beer unusually pale and tasteless
>
> a. Glass empty.
> b. You're holding a Coors Lite
>
> Get someone to buy you another beer
>
>
> Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
>
> You have fallen over backward.
>
> Have yourself leashed to bar
>
>
> Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
>
> You have fallen forward
>
> See above
>
>
> Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
>
> a. Mouth not open
> b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
>
> Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
>
>
> Floor Blurred
>
> You are looking through bottom of empty glass
>
> Get someone to buy you another beer
>
>
> Floor moving
>
> You are being carried out
>
> Find out if you are being taken to another bar
>
>
> Room seems unusually dark
>
> Bar has closed
>
> Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to
> go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
>
>
> Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
>
> Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
>
> Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
>
>
> Everyone looks up to you and smiles
>
> You are dancing on the table
>
> Fall on someone cushy-looking
>
>
> Beer is crystal-clear
>
> It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
>
> Punch him
>
>
> People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
>
> You're in the ladies' room
>
> Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the
> hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
>
>
> Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
>
> You have been in a fight
>
> Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
>
>
> Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
>
> You've wandered into the wrong party
>
> See if they have free beer
>
>
> Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting
> steel
> door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
>
> a. You're in jail
> b. You're in the navy
>
> Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new
> roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
>
>
> You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing
> leather chaps
>
> You're in a gay bar
>
> Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept
> offers for backrubs
>
>
> Your singing sounds distorted
>
> The beer is too weak
>
> Have more beer until your voice improves
>
>
> Don't remember the words to the song
>
> Beer is just right
>
> Play air guitar
>
>