Post your jokes

[deltarat]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane, when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Mandelon]

A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says "hey, we don't serve your kind in here."
"Why not?" asks the mushroom, "I'm a fungi."
(that's "fun guy" for you slow people)

[Boatcop]

After a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel, two survivors are left in a lifeboat out on the empty ocean.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the two stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one came forth!
This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The one man looked disgustedly at the other who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going, Dipwad! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

[ahhell]

After 35+ years of accident free driving I finally had a wreck. I am fine, but it was one of those stupid rear end collisions, where it could have been avoided. It was really nobody's fault.
To my surprise, the guy I hit was a dwarf and he stormed out of his car, stomped back to my car and shouted at me, " I AM NOT HAPPY !".
So, I asked him, " Well, which one are you ?"
Learned one thing about dwarfs; they don't have a sense of humor.
dammit, made me spit water:D

[Moneypitt]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"......

[ThongMagnet]

Nice grab
http://www.***boat.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=34953&stc=1&d=1184439886

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

A Mother Always Knows
Tony excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay, Mom. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”
“That’s amazing! You’re right, how did you know?”
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, “I don’t like her.”

[ratso]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around he sees three men at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and saw her standing in the hallway buck naked... Man she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is one bad ass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat... The drunk leans on the table again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is damn good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad now, but the biker still says nothing... The drunk leans on the table once again, and says "I'll tell you something else, Boy, your grandma liked it too!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the old man by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...
"Grandpa........... go home......... you're Drunk":D

[OverKill]

This little guy married to a 250lb woman walk in to this health store. Both walk to the clerks counter and the little guy says I'm starting to work out at the gym and I'm looking for a really good weight gainer. In reply the clerk looks at the guys wife and says, well theres a good one standing right next to you. :D

[Sheeprides]

A little boy comes charging in the house after playing in the back yard.
"Mommy," he yells. "Grandma's outside and her shrimp is showing."
She replies, "What are you talking about, Billy?" and goes outside to see for herself.
Sure enough, Grandma's sitting at the picnic table reading the newspaper. Her legs are spread wide and her underwear is pulled aside. Her privates are in clear view. The mommy shakes her head in disgust and returns indoors.
She sits her son down and explains, "That's not Grandma's shrimp, Billy. That's her v@gina."
"Well, it sure tastes like shrimp, mommy."

[vee-driven]

A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, the bartender looks up and says where the hell did you get that, aaaaaafrica the parrot replied.

[deltarat]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.

[Cas]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman
passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the
cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The
cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand
in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

[RitcheyRch]

Lost at Home Depot....
Two guys, one old and, one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/imarhino.jpg

[Liberator TJ1984]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She
picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.
"Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled !!!!!!!
"Spit it out!!!!
It's a piece of Ass..." :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She
picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.
"Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled !!!!!!!
"Spit it out!!!!
It's a piece of Ass..." :D
LMAO!! That is cute.. :D :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Lost at Home Depot....
Two guys, one old and, one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours
LMAO!! :devil: :D

[centerhill condor]

when I was married the first time during our last Christmas together I bought her a T shirt and a 13" dildo...
My paw in law said why'd you get those? I said if she didn't like the t shirt she can go screw herself!
Yea, the judge didn't like it either...but hey, I had to get her something.

[catalinaskiracer]

2 canable's eating a clown in the jungle one canable looks at the the other and says "this taste funny to you"

[centerhill condor]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama)
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trus t me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Missouri, North Carolina, Florida, West Virginia and
Washington DC

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama)
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trus t me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Missouri, North Carolina, Florida, West Virginia and
Washington DC
LMAO!!:D

[IMPATIENT 1]

http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/imarhino.jpg
lmao, best i've seen yet:D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

lmao, best i've seen yet:D
I thought it was funny when I saw it too.. :D :D

[centerhill condor]

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune.
Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? "Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Alabama, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How'd you know?! "
"'cause this is a dry-cleaners."

[centerhill condor]

QUICKIES...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex marriage,
and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got
married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a
week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder...
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and
asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed
a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and
twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit,
so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini, You'd never get it all in one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and
beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him
for an explanation He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards".

[Daddy_G]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed?
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......smack him again!"

[centerhill condor]

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
> normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How
>are
> you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
>
> George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
> he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
> bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light
> goes off."
>
> "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
>
> A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he
> says, "George is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of
>his
> relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
> *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*!
> the light goes off?"
>
> "OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims.
> "He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!".