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topless
09-25-2007, 08:49 AM
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED it?? You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it ! in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

Ziggy
09-25-2007, 08:54 AM
I take a book with me when the wife heads to the public bathroom.....I've learned much patience.:)

Classic Daycruiser
09-25-2007, 08:55 AM
Try all that with your arm in a sling:D :idea:

yopengo
09-25-2007, 09:00 AM
Can't relate. I just walk in... pee...wash hands...grab towel to dry hands and open door...done. :D

DeltaSigBoater
09-25-2007, 09:01 AM
Can't relate. I just walk in... pee...wash hands...grab towel to dry hands and open door...done. :D
But what about if you have to poop :idea:

Ziggy
09-25-2007, 09:07 AM
But what about if you have to poop :idea:
Shit out of luck :D

yopengo
09-25-2007, 09:10 AM
But what about if you have to poop :idea:
Hell, I can hold it for three days. :D

OCMerrill
09-25-2007, 09:13 AM
Hell, I can hold it for three days. :D
Those talents could come in handy.
I am a contractor (well the boss) and I have a talent of peeing incognito. Never a toilet around when you need one.

Sleek-Jet
09-25-2007, 10:45 AM
One advantage of being a man... the world is your toilet... :D

Old Texan
09-25-2007, 11:11 AM
My Grandmother always kept a partial roll in her purse for just such an occassion. Pulled off the tube and neatly rerolled in case of emergency....:D
My grandfather on the other hand believed in corn cobs, TP cost good money. Always had 2 baskets in the outhouse. 1 basket of red field corn cobs, 1 basket of white sweet corn cobs. You used a red first and then a white one to see if you needed another red..........:devil:

MissB
09-25-2007, 11:16 AM
I cannot stop laughing too funny and sooo true!!

Shreve"T"
09-25-2007, 11:24 AM
Pictures "PLEASE"...:D :D :D :D

Focker
09-25-2007, 03:05 PM
Why Would A Womans Toilet Seat Be Wet?

topless
09-25-2007, 03:08 PM
Why Would A Womans Toilet Seat Be Wet?Squatters.:eek:

Bense468
09-25-2007, 03:10 PM
I hate it when that happens

Mandelon
09-25-2007, 03:10 PM
The fine art of hovering..

HavaSkank
09-25-2007, 03:31 PM
Im such an angry bitch I can piss standing up.

hkunz
09-25-2007, 03:38 PM
Squatters.:eek:
OK, now I'm lost. Like in squatting on top of the seat? Seems too hard.

topless
09-25-2007, 03:40 PM
OK, now I'm lost. Like in squatting on top of the seat? Seems too hard.You kind of squat and hover at the same time to avoid sitt in pee.

HavaSkank
09-25-2007, 03:44 PM
OK, now I'm lost. Like in squatting on top of the seat? Seems too hard.
No, like squatting as in we live illegally in public restrooms.

mrswetdream32
09-25-2007, 06:06 PM
Why Would A Womans Toilet Seat Be Wet?
because of kids or the splash of water or other woman. YUCK!!! The men that used the womens because itis cleaner than the mens room.