share your jokes

[tenchi17]

a wife was haveing an affair with her neibor Marges husband and she was oiling him up for some kinky sex when she herd her husband pull up in the car she quickly told her lover to stand in the corner where she proceded to cover him in talcome powder when he asked her what she was doing she said I am making you look like a statue so stand still, her husband comes up stairs and sees the statue and asks where that came from and se said well I saw one at Marges house and I had to have one her husband now noticeing her naked procedes to undress and give her the best sex she had in her life when he was done she was so exsausted that she fell strait to sleep then the husband went down stairs for a few minutes whearas he returns with a sandwich and a glass of milk he then hands it to the statue the lover suprised takes the food and replied how did you know and the husband replis I was at marges house for 3 days and no one so much as offered me a glass of water :p :) :)

[tenchi17]

Do you guys honestly have no sense of humer or are you guys just being lame!!

[OGShocker]

tenchi17:
Do you guys honestly have no sense of humer or are you guys just being lame!! No, I was just trying to find one that might offend the most people. So, here you go.
Drinking
An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a Coke... The Mexican drinks his coke and suddenly throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his coke, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The American, cool, as a cucumber, picks up his coke and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and
the Iraqi and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice. eek!
It is just a joke. :D

[tenchi17]

this one is just a joke also
OK there was a mexican an american and a chinese man on board a small plane and it is going down the captian gets on the intercom and tells them that the plane is going down and they need to start throwing stuff out so the chinese man throws out a couple bags of rice and sais there is allot of this in my country the mexican throws a few cans of beans and sais we have allot of these in my country the american looks around and grabs the mexican and throws him out the other two just stare at him and he replies there were to many of those in my country
this part is not a joke burningm
Fun Fact: white people are now a minority in the state of california

[Liberator TJ1984]

READ Below :p

[OGShocker]

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers
stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and
the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he
said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." :p
And at that point, the proctologist fainted. jawdrop

[THE VIKING]

O.k. here it goes::
A blind male jetboatowner goes to a crowded beach, sits down and starts to inflate a love doll. The dude next to him says " hey buddy, you can't have that thing here, there are children here, you pervert"
Blind jetboatdude says: "What do you mean??, love doll, what love doll???"
The one you are inflating right now you pervertet prick", the man says.
And the jetboatowner says, "DAMN; THEN I'VE BEEN ****ING MY BANANABOAT ALL WINTER.
The viking.

[GlastronGuy]

tenchi17's fortune (http://youarelame.com/cgi/fc.pl?id=1064603008e77236)

[OGShocker]

My long lost Grandson!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits".

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

everyone has probably heard this but here it is anyway. because i do like to laugh.
A pirate walked into a bar with a parret on his shoulder, a wooden leg from the knee down and a boat steering wheel in his pants. The bar tender leaned to him and asked, "do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate looks at him with a smile and says " arg oh yes, It's drivin me nutts." :D :D

[MUDXPRT]

Two guys go to the doctors office to get a vasectemy (wrong spelling) the nurse comes out and asks them to put on these medical gowns, she comes back out a few minutes later goes over to the 1st man and reaches under and starts giving him a hand job he acts totaly suprised and asks the nurse whats shes doing, she replies she needs a sperm count. she goes back in the office and comes out a few minutes later goes the the next man jlifts up his gown and starts giving him a blow job, the guy next to him asks why does he get a blow job and I only got a hand job. The replies thats the difference between HMO and Blue Cross.

[VillainDave]

First sorry it I used your screen name!
Ok one day Boozer is driving through Kansas and as he’s rollin down the Hi Way in the ole Durango, he see’s Hoss hitch hiking on the side of the road with his German Shepard .
So boozer pulls up to him and says, hey! I can give you a ride but your dogs gotta stay! Hoss climbs on in and says hell man that’s ok he’ll keep up! So boozer says ok and they take off!
So Boozers crusin along at about 65 and says hey Hoss where’s your dog ! Hoss looks out the window and says: oh he’s right here . Boozer looks over sure nough dogs right next to em at 65.
So Boozer decides to be a smart ass and bumps it up to 75 , he looks over at Hoss and says so where’s your dog now ! Hoss looks out the window and says: oh he’s right here . Boozer looks over sure nough dogs right next to em at 75.
So Boozer decides to really be a smart ass and bumps it up to 80 , he looks over at Hoss and says so where’s your dog now ! Hoss looks out the window and says: oh he’s right here . Boozer looks over sure nough dogs right next to em at 80!.
So this pisses Boozer off ! So floors it and takes it up to 95 and slams on the breaks !!! , he looks over at Hoss and says so where’s your dog now ! Hoss looks out the window and says: oh he’s right here. Then Boozer looks out yeah! He’s there but what’s that ring around his neck?
. Hoss look over at em and says hell man that’s just his ass hole he ain’t use ta stopin that fast!

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

LMAO!! :D :p

[anxious]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced *****." The accountant balks and says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a ***** or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year." eek!

[JetBoatRich]

A blonde secretary ran out of typing paper, she went to the receptionist and asked for paper. She was told to just use copy paper.
The blonde took her last blank typing paper and took it to the copier and proceeded to make "BLANK" copies eek!

[comin' unscrewed]

It’s the late 1940’s and a young couple are out on a picnic. They’re engaged and the wedding is next Saturday. They begin to make out and after a while he asks her (for the first time ever) to “go all the way”.
Well she’s anxious too and tempted, but she tells him, “No, you’d lose respect.”
Being a gentleman he understands her concern. And, realizing their wedding night is just days away he apologizes saying, “I’m sorry sweetheart. I love you very much and I can certainly wait a few more days.”
The big day comes. The wedding is perfect and afterward they go off on their honeymoon to Niagara Falls. They have a lovely dinner and retire to their romantic little cabin. He carries her across the threshold, puts her down and they embrace, kissing passionately. Eventually she breaks the embrace and with an alluring smile excuses herself to “get ready”. She then disappears into the bathroom. He changes into his pajamas, lights a few candles, turns out the lights and gets into bed.
Finally she emerges wearing a stunning, risqué little nighty. As she steps out she pauses to say, “Darling you’ve been so patient. I love you so much and our time has finally come. Tonight I’m yours for anything you want.”
Hearing this he is filled with both love and lust. Feeling somewhat emboldened, he says, “Well sweetheart, could we perhaps start with a blowjob?”
“Well, anything but that,” she answers, “You’d lose respect.”
Aware that they have their whole lives ahead he decides not to push. She joins him in bed and they make love like rabbits.
On their tenth wedding anniversary they decide to take a second honeymoon. They go back to Niagara Falls, and rent the same romantic little cabin. After a candlelit dinner they return to the cabin and she goes off to the bathroom to get ready. He dons his pajamas and gets in bed. After a while she comes out in a beautiful negligee, stops and says, “My wonderful husband. We’ve had ten fantastic years together. Tonight, anything you want!”
Hearing this he replies, “I love you too sweetheart. And, well it’s been ten years. I’d really like to try a blowjob.”
“Anything but that. You’d lose respect,” she responds.
By now he’s heard this a lot and it’s getting a bit annoying. But, being a gentleman and not wanting to ruin the evening with an argument, he decides not to press the issue. He bids her join him and they make love for hours.
Fifteen more years pass and on their 25th wedding anniversary they decide renew their vows and take a third honeymoon. They go back to Niagara Falls, and rent the same lovely little cabin. After a romantic dinner they return to the cabin and she goes off to the bathroom to get ready. He puts on his pajamas and gets in bed. After a while she comes out in a beautiful nightgown. She stops and says, “Twenty-five glorious years babe. Tonight, anything you want!”
This time he’s ready and looking her straight in the eye says, “Great! I’d really like to try a blowjob.”
She replies, “Well, anything but that. You’d lose respect.”
Well enough is enough. He responds with great emotion saying, “How can you stand there and say that to me? We’ve been married for twenty-five years. I’ve faithfully loved you, cared for you, and supported you. We have a beautiful home and life together. We’ve had three beautiful children together. I have nothing but love and respect for you," and on the verge of tears, "I just don’t understand.”
Hearing this and seeing his passion and frustration she thinks for a few moments. Then she says, “You’re right. I’m being unfair. Tonight darling you may truly have anything you want!”
With that she slides into bed and gives him a fantastic blowjob.
The next morning they’re still lying in bed when the phone rings. He answers it saying, “Hello? Yes, just a moment,” then handing the phone to her he says, “Here cocksucker, it’s for you.”

[anxious]

The difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans
Situational Issue: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun, how and why did I BECOME an expert shot, and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me and/or rob me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends and/or the A.C.L.U. for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer: BANG!
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"