superdave013
12-20-2002, 10:43 AM
I've got a few of his letters right here.
Take a look.
Dear Santa,
>I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
>mommy
>and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
>Love, Teddy
>
>Dear Teddy,
>Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
>hurricane.
>Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
>mom, who
>rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
>get you
>some nice Legos instead.
>Santa
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
>drum
>kit, a pony and a tuba.
>Love, Francis
>
>Dear Francis,
>Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
>you up
>with a Barbie.
>Santa
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>
>Dear Santa,
>I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
>for your
>reindeer outside the back door.
>Love, Susan
>
>Dear Susan,
>Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
>when riding
>in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
>scotch.
>Santa
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
>toys?
>Your friend, Thomas
>
>Dear Thomas,
>All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
>spend most
>of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
>myself silly
>and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
>the
>craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
>Santa
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
>awake, like
>in the song?
>Love, Jessica
>
>Dear Jessica,
>Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
>whatever
>you do. I'm skipping your house.
>Santa
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
>PLEASE
>could I have one?
>Timmy
>
>Timmy,
>That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
>doesn't
>work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
>Santa
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dearest Santa,
>We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
>Love, Marky
>
>Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
>getting your
>ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
>in a
>low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
>the
>boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
>Sweet Dreams, Santa
Take a look.
Dear Santa,
>I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
>mommy
>and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
>Love, Teddy
>
>Dear Teddy,
>Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
>hurricane.
>Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
>mom, who
>rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
>get you
>some nice Legos instead.
>Santa
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
>drum
>kit, a pony and a tuba.
>Love, Francis
>
>Dear Francis,
>Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
>you up
>with a Barbie.
>Santa
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>
>Dear Santa,
>I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
>for your
>reindeer outside the back door.
>Love, Susan
>
>Dear Susan,
>Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
>when riding
>in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
>scotch.
>Santa
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
>toys?
>Your friend, Thomas
>
>Dear Thomas,
>All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
>spend most
>of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
>myself silly
>and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
>the
>craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
>Santa
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
>awake, like
>in the song?
>Love, Jessica
>
>Dear Jessica,
>Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
>whatever
>you do. I'm skipping your house.
>Santa
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dear Santa,
>I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
>PLEASE
>could I have one?
>Timmy
>
>Timmy,
>That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
>doesn't
>work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
>Santa
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-----
>
>Dearest Santa,
>We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
>Love, Marky
>
>Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
>getting your
>ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
>in a
>low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
>the
>boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
>Sweet Dreams, Santa