Canadian HumoUr, eh? (mostly for Mike/Rexone's entertainment)

[FMluvswater]

The Hoser (http://www.oxford.net/~bobnet/hoser/)
It's a Second City Television (SCTV. It's similar to SNL) Bob and Doug MacKenzie skit that is set up as a newspaper article.
[ May 18, 2003, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: FMluvswaterbabe ]

[FMluvswater]

Canadian Jokes (http://www.webpresspro.com/funnyfarm/category/canadian_joke_page.htm)
I got the following joke from the above link ...
Sell It To America
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."

[Rexone]

http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/cwm/cwm3d/3dbiggrin3.gif lmao on the chewing gum
[ May 18, 2003, 04:57 AM: Message edited by: Rexone ]

[FMluvswater]

Canadian jokes
Proper spelling of Canada: C eh, N eh, D eh
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals.
France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant."
America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit."
Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A Canadian tourist fell into a beer vat during a tour of the Labatt's Brewing Facility outside of Toronto. Plant officials estimate the tourist drank fifteen gallons of beer before he could be removed from the vat.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In Canada we have two seasons -- six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You Know You're Canadian When:
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know what a toque is.
You've plugged a car in overnight.
You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?
A: You say "Please get off my front lawn."

[FMluvswater]

Canadian Deer Hunting
http://www.spicyjoke.com/pictures/canadian_hunting.jpg

[FMluvswater]

Subject: Understanding Canadians
Some people are having a tough
time understanding Canadians. So here is a very brief translation of the Canadian dialect. It will hopefully
ease some minds out there.
EH= pronounced AY (similar but not the same as huh)
Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadian
communications.It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply by
itself. The tone or the slight difference in exclamations also changes
the meaning.
Eh= what did you say?
Eh?= what do you think
EH?= something to say just to end a sentence
Eh!!= WOW!!
EH!?= what do you mean?
Eh??= your joking!!!??
EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!
Eh?= want a donut?
Eh!= sure!!
Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too please!
Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for it
Eh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.
hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in movie??
Eh...uhuh= yes sure!
Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8
Eh..cmon!!= well thats early..but ok
Eh..wanna?eh?= lets fool around
EHHHHHHH= sounds coming from the car
hey..um..er eh...= Im pregnant
EH?????????= how did that happen?
EHHehhEHHehhEHHH= sounds from the delivery room
EHHH ehh EHHH ehh= babys first cry
Ehh..whadya think eh?= marry me
other usefel terms:
hoser= a good friend..
take off!= you are kidding,no way,fly an airplane
skates= what all canadians wear as first shoes(thats why we walk funny)
lumberjack= something in our genes..
screech= a nice drink
swish= a drink made from leftover screech barrels
The Rock= Newfoundland
Newfoundland= pronounced noofunlan
Dory= Newfoundland cruise liner
Toronto= pronounced Trawna
Lake Ontario= where all sewers drain into
Yukon= a drink
Two Four= case of beer
sixty pounder= large bottle of screech
Over by= still havent deciphered that term yet
The Canadian citizenship test:
spell canada= C eh N eh D eh
who was the first Prime Minister=Sir John EH Macdonald
So if you hear me talking like this.
Hey..eh..cmon eh hoser!
y'know take off!!
EH??umm err well hey ok eh!
it's friendly!

[FMluvswater]

Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A: A canoe will tip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Bob stops him and asks, "Hey Doug! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, eh?" answers Doug.
"Wow," exclaims Bob, "Great trade."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as
they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of
their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over
the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
U.S. Navy
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and
Canadian authorites off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
US SHIP: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!
US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS SARATOGA. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!!
CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"
The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The automobile companies put black boxes in cars (like they have in planes) to record people's last words as they crashed into things and died. In the U.S., the last words were mostly, "Oh no!" ...Kind of what you would expect.
But in Canada, it was a different story. Most of them said right before they died, "Hold my beer. Watch this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, a Canadian, and an American were kidnapped. The kidnapper said "Before I shoot you you will be allowed last words."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of the loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society, and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Canadian Pledge of Illegence
I pledge illegence to the maple leaf
Of the united provinces of Canada
And to the federal government
For which it stands
One nation, under hockey,indivisible
With beer and bacon for all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test" What was that test? "I asked him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan answered:" It's me" So I hired him.
Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says : "well can I give you an answer in a day or two?" "No prob"
Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean aswers :"It's me of course".
Happy, Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother nor my sister, it's Jean Charest". Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan Quayle you idiot"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
A: "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fruitcake Recipe Ã* la Canadian Club
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon Canadian Club rye [Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the Canadian say when the American bumped into him and stepped on his foot?
A: Oh sorry about that, eh. You okay?
[ May 18, 2003, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: FMluvswaterbabe ]

[malcolm]

Just a minute, I gotta go beat off my turner. :D

[FMluvswater]

I laughed my ass off every time I found something to show Mike but I have to admit I laughed hardest at the fruit cake thing (I love Canadian Club whiskey!). :D

[FMluvswater]

Here's the script for a famous Canadian commercial for Molson's Canadian Beer. It is popularly known as Molson Canadian's 'The Rant' ...
Hey,
I'm not a lumber jack, or a fur trader.
I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dog sled.
And I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzie from Canada. Although I'm sure certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it about, not aboot.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my back pack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing.
Diversity! Not assimilation.
And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal!
A toque is hat.
A chesterfield is a couch.
And it is pronounced Zed! Not Zee, Zed!
Canada is the second largest land mass,
the first nation of hockey,
and the best part of North America.
My name is Joe!
And I AM CANADIAN!That and other hilarious Canadian stuff can be found at the following link ...
Jokes - Patriotism Canada (http://www.indefual.net/canada/jokes/index.html)
The link doesn't work in the wee hours of the morning not sure what's up with that. Might be a Canadian thing eh?

[FMluvswater]

Quoting you from the 'Who's still up?' thread Mike. :) I liked the hoser info you found on Yahoo! and posted so I'm putting it in this thread as well ...
Rexone:
"What is a hoser?", you might well ask!
Apparently the real history of the word came from the Dirty 30's or thereabouts, on the Prairies here in Canada, when farmers would siphon gas out of their farm vehicles with a hose - thus ending up being called hoseheads, aka hoser. Hosed would be the verb form *g*.
Most of this stuff relates to Canadiana, but it can be used to refer to anyone - I have no qualms about calling anyone a hoser! :-)
Anyway, in 1981 there were these two guys up here called Doug and Bob McKenzie. They wore lumbarjack plaid jackets, toques and drank beer (Molson's Canadian I've been told) and ate a lot of Canadian back bacon, which they fried on the Coleman. The name of the show was Second City TV and the two fellows were Doug Thomas (now on that Rhett Butler sitcom) and Rick Moranis (who was in the Ghostbuster movies). SCTV was kind of a Canadian Saturday Night Live type show.
They also had a movie called Strange Brew and I've heard they also have another one coming out in the future.
Anyway, they called each other hoser or hosehead, and would say thinks like "Take off, hosehead!", "You're hosed!", "Beauty!" or "Coo loo-coo-coo coo-coo-coo-coo!" [trying thinking that and typing the right number of coos! *g*]
Being the Canadian hoser I am, I have continued to use the terms hoser, hosehead, and hosed all these years. So, if not many people understand I'm not surprised!
In *my* vocabulary the word hoser/hosehead can have many nuances or definitions, equating to words like geek, weirdo, very funny person, corny, out to lunch - it has so many meanings it nearly means ANYTHING! *g* But, it's always said in an affectionate way. I would never call anyone a hoser if I really didn't like them - I'd call 'em something VERY MUCH WORSE! :-)

[FMluvswater]

There are two very good reason's I'm putting the following umm lyrics here instead of the song lyrics thread 1- It's Bob and Doug MacKenzie and 2- (most importantly) THEY CAN'T SING! LMAO! :D
This is even funnier cuz it's almost summertime!
Talking Intro
Bob: Ok g'day. This is the Christmas part of the album, you can play this at your Christmas partys uh, or to yourself on Christmas eve if there is nothing else to do
Doug: G'day eh? in case you thought like I wasn't on this part.
Bob: Oh I guarantee ya, you'd be on.
Ok so good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get your true love for Christmas.
Doug: Look out the window!
bob: Where? Whaddya doin?
Doug:Snow!
Bob: Oh it's the great white north, and it's snowin cuz its Christmas time.
Hey, hoser! heres a quiz.. quiz for Doug:
Doug: Ok, I got my thinking toque on!
Bob: Yeah, right. What are the 12 days of Christmas?
Doug: Um.
Bob: Cuz figure it out , right? Christmas is when?
Doug: The 25th.
Bob: Right, well whats the 24th? Xmas eve, right.
Doug: Thats 2.
Bob: Then , whats after that?
Doug: Wrestling day
Bob: No.
Doug: Boxing day.
Bob: Thats 3. Then whats after that? Nothin'.
Doug: New years.
Bob: 4.
Doug: New years eve.
Bob: 5. Where da ya get 12?
Doug: Uh... theres 2 sat's and sun's in there , 4. Thats 9 and 3 other days which i believe are the mystery days.
Ok, this is our Christmas song, in case ya don't know what to get someone for Christmas.
Doug: Theres lotsa ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck. By the way , thats me on the organ.
Bob: Ok geeze.
Doug: Ok, you start.(Song Lyrics)
Rated G
The 12 Days Of Christmas by Bob and Doug Mackenzie
Bob: Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
beer.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.
There should be more there, eh?
Where?
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Oh. See? ya need more.
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
6 packs of two-four.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Ok.
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
oh, i keep forgettin'.
whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us!
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
8 comic books,
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Wow,That beers empty
Day 12.
G'day and welcome to day 12.
Yeah.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tre-e.(Talking Outro)
Where did you learn to do that?
Uh, Albums.
Boy, so thats our song merry Christmas, and g'day.
G'day everybody. Happy new years.
Ok, ya know what ya left out?
What?
Donuts. I told you to get me donuts.
Oh no!
Either on the 9th day, or the 10th day or the 11th day. I wanted donuts.
The song is over merry Christmas everybody, or the 12th you coulda gotten me a dozen donuts.
Go to the stores and get some presents. You coulda gone down to the donut shop where you buy a dozen donuts, you get another donut free. Then it coulda been 13 for the 13 days of Christmas.
Next Christmas, get me a chainsaw.
Take off!
Boy that song was a beauty.. it moved me.
Yah , it ranks up there with stairway to heaven.
What?

[FMluvswater]

This is not intended to stoke any political fires. It's very tongue in cheek. Rick Mercer usually pokes fun at Canada and those running it in very similar fashion.
<A monologue by Canadian comedian Rick Mercer from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" (a make fun of world news headlines show) on Canadian Broadcasting Corporation Television>
---
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Thank you.
Rick Mercer

[FMluvswater]

Mike- When I came across this tonight I just had to revive the thread! LOL! :D
****
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . ..
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
21. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
22. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
****
oversized fire ring

[FMluvswater]

Back in the 1800s, when Canada's founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up. One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "USA is simple, eh. It's catchy, it works, eh. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?"
Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.
C, eh
N, eh
D, eh

[FMluvswater]

US Condom Factory Blows Up
President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.
Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE' on each one."

[FMluvswater]

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!
WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.
AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

[FMluvswater]

http://home.swipnet.se/~w-72891/CanadianClub/CCbilder/jpeg/Hocketpc2.jpg

[FMluvswater]

CANADIAN HOCKEY FANS
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour
if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got
married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[FMluvswater]

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of
Oklahoma City & enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma.
The Madam asks him to be seated & sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear, and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do.
Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little,giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two, smacks him as hard as she can, and runs away!
Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks,
"What did you want to do, that made my girls run away like that?"
Bob said: "I just asked if I could pay in Canadian Dollars".

[FMluvswater]

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Saskatchewan Provincial Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

[Tom Brown]

:(

[FMluvswater]

Originally posted by Tom Brown
:(
Oh come on Tom ... that was funny! :D Laugh already!
****
Canadian Survivor
CBC Television is developing a Canadian version of "Survivor" the popular TV show.
The rules are simple: Each contestant must travel to Alberta and go from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grande Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
" I voted for Chretien, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns".
The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner.

[FMluvswater]

Rated G (for giggle or groan not sure! :D )
Canada's Really Big by The Arrogant Worms
Thank you very much. Now we're very, uh, we're very patriotic Canadians and uh so we'd like to take this moment to,
uh, to do our national anthem, that we wrote.
When I look around me,
I can't believe what I see
It seems as if this country has lost its will to live
The economy is lousy,
We barely have an army
But we can still stand proudly
Cuz Canada's really big
We're the second largest country
On this planet earth
And if Russia
Keeps on shrinking,
Then soon we'll be first! (as long as we keep Quebec)
The USA has tanks,
And switzerland has banks
They can keep them banks,
They just don't amount
Cuz when you get down to it,
You find out what the truth is,
It isn't what you do with it,
It's the size that counts
Most people will tell you
That France is pretty large
But you can put
Fourteen Frances
Into this land of ours!
(it'd take a lot of work, it'd take a whole lot of work)
We're larger than Malaysia,
Almost as big as Asia
We're bigger than Australia
And it's a continent
So big we seldom bother
To go see one another
But we often go to other countries
For vacations
Our mountains
Are very pointy,
Our prairies are not
The rest is
Kinda bumpy,
But man do we have a lot!
(we've got a lot of land, we've got a whole lot of land)
So stand up and be proud
And sing out very loud
We stand out from the crowd,
Cuz Canada's really big

[FMluvswater]

Found another one, Mike! LOL! :D I think I've read it before but I didn't post it in here until now. :wink:
****
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some a-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added
"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said,
"Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Oh, really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
The boy replied,
"No kidding??? Who did she play for?"

[Rexone]

:D

[FMluvswater]

I'm not so sure I should post this one ... so I will :D ... grain of salt 'k? :wink:
In a train there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
The train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
** The blonde thought - "that American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
** The fat lady thought - "this dirty old American laid his hands on the blond and she smacked him"
** The American thought - "That damned Canadian put his hand on that blond and by mistake she slapped me"
** The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again"

[FMluvswater]

I'm not so sure I should post this one ... so I will :D ... grain of salt 'k? :wink:
In a train there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
The train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
** The blonde thought - "that American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
** The fat lady thought - "this dirty old American laid his hands on the blond and she smacked him"
** The American thought - "That damned Canadian put his hand on that blond and by mistake she slapped me"
** The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again"
Feel free to rewrite! :wink: :D

[Rexone]

I'm not so sure I should post this one ... so I will :D ... grain of salt 'k? :wink:
In a train there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
The train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
** The blonde thought - "that American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
** The fat lady thought - "this dirty old American laid his hands on the blond and she smacked him"
** The American thought - "That damned Canadian put his hand on that blond and by mistake she slapped me"
** The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again"
:D -------->>>>>> :(

[FMluvswater]

An American couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
(Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?)
The pedestrian smiled, said (Saskatoon, Saskatchewan), and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said (Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English.)

[FMluvswater]

GOOD NEWS!
Canada has to decided to send:
2 of their largest battleships.
6,000 ground troops.
6 fighter jets.
BAD NEWS!
With the current exchange rate, that works out to be:
2 canoes
1 Mounty
And a couple of flying squirrels.

[FMluvswater]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again,
"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[topless]

Wow FM, you must be bored!!!! I won't even begin to read thru all of that. I'm tired just looking!!!!

[FMluvswater]

Wow FM, you must be bored!!!! I won't even begin to read thru all of that. I'm tired just looking!!!!
Just the opposite - I was having fun. :D

[Sleek-Jet]

Not to nitt-pick, but the Missouri was a battleship, not a carrier. :D
U.S. Navy
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and
Canadian authorites off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
US SHIP: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!
US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF
THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!!
CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
OK.... I was nitt-picking... :D

[FMluvswater]

Not to nitt-pick, but the Missouri was a battleship, not a carrier. :D
OK.... I was nitt-picking... :D
I just read, laugh, copy and paste. I don't check for facts! :D If it's funny - it's good enough. :p So like name me a carrier then ... I can go edit in a fact oh nit-picky one ... :rolleyes: :D

[Sleek-Jet]

I just read, laugh, copy and paste. I don't check for facts! :D If it's funny - it's good enough. :p So like name me a carrier then ... I can go edit in a fact oh nit-picky one ... :rolleyes: :D
We'll go old school and say "USS Saratoga"... :D :D :D

[FMluvswater]

We'll go old school and say "USS Saratoga"... :D :D :D
duly edited my nitpicky friend. :wink: :D

[Sleek-Jet]

duly edited my nitpicky friend. :wink: :D
I do what I can... :rolleyes: :D :D :D