Men's Rules

[twistedpair]

Subject: Men's Rules
MEN'S RULES!
The Rules.....This time by Men
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these
are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...........Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to take a quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[FMluvswater]

OMFG! That is an awesome list! Hilarious! Love it! One question why do men always end up with the kind of women who behave/think like that? All men are masochists at heart aren't they? wink

[beached1]

One I can add:
Women should make nice with our friends girlfriends imediately upon introduction. However, that doesn't mean we have to buddy up with their gal pals significant dickhead what so ever.

[twistedpair]

Yeah, that should probably be Rule number 1.

[scgms1]

Along the same lines,...
"Making love" is what a woman does while the guy is banging her.
You can tell if your wife died if the sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Women and fishing, always practice catch and release.
Women cry at their wedding because they had to settle for you.
If you don't keep track of their period they slip in an extra one now and then, just to be bitchy.
They can't keep a secret, but they can hold a fart.
Why don't women go fishing? Because they would have to be quiet.
Do you know when a woman isn't lying? Her lips are not moving.
As long as they continue to use our razors, we will continue to leave the toilet seat up.
Woman have two sets of lips so they can piss and moan at the same time.
My wife ran off and took the dog, I'm sure gonna miss him.
A bride smiles on the way to the altar because she knows she has given her last blow job.
Marriage is like a tornado because it starts with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you loose the house.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
How is marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it's not so hot anymore.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
I haven't spoke to my wife for 18 months . I don't like to interrupt her.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? After you use a toilet it doesn't keep pestering you to marry it.
Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
Get a new car for your spouse, it'll be a great trade.
Don't be sexist, broads hate that.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What's the difference between a wife and a single woman? About 45 pounds.
Women are like parking places. The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Women are like turnpikes. You pay to get on them, and you pay to get off them.
Misogynist--A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.
Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.
The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her.
A man may be a fool and not know it -- but not if he is married.
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they would be married too.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested
Why do women fake orgasm? They think that we care.
Remember that no matter how beautiful a woman is, she's with you because some other guy was tired of her shit.
Women get their periods once a month because they deserve it.
If your wife wants more freedom, get a bigger kitchen.
Women; Can't live with 'em.
The reason women have long legs is so they can get from the kitchen to the bedroom quicker.
Why do married men die earlier than unmarried men? Because they want to.
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares why, what was she doing out of the kitchen?!
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? She starts her sentence with, "A man once told me...."
Brides are dressed in white so they match the rest of the appliances.
Why can't women ski? Because there's no snow between the oven and the sink.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What is the difference between a woman and a catfish? One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker. The other is a fish.
Men who have pierced ears are best prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent: Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Women have smaller feet than men so they can stand closer to the sink.
Men pass gas more than women because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
What do women and condoms have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven? If there were more, it would be Hell.
Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? They have no balls to scratch.
Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave slug tracks.
If it has tits or tires its going to give you trouble sooner or later.
God gave women vaginas so that men would at least talk to them.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? After you nibble the breast and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw the bone in.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
What do you do if the wife is staggering around in the backyard? Shoot her again.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing she has already been told twice.
Why are their so many cases of wife abuse? Because, the bitches just don't listen.
What's the difference between a pussy and a ****? A Pussy is something nice and warm that you want to get into on Friday night, a **** is what owns it.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
What's better, having sex with a woman or taking a good dump? The dump because you don't have to cuddle it afterwards.
Women only have two faults: Everything they say, and everything they do.
What do you call the excess skin around a vagina? A Women.
A ***** is someone that screws everyone, a bitch is someone that screws everyone but you.
A woman is just a life support system for a pussy.
Women come and go, but you can rely on your dog and your truck.
If you depend on a woman to make you happy, you will be endlessly disappointed.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
What do you call a Playboy centerfold that is a lesbian? Bitch.
What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's degrading to the woman.
What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's dick.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain to long.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
What do you do when the dishwasher won't work? Kick her in the ass.
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want you r friends to see you on either one.
What is the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence.
Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Women are like guns - keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it sooner or later.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some may say monogamy is the same...
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in? The dog, of course....at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
If a woman didn't have a pussy, they would have a bounty on them.
All women are exactly alike. They look different from one another so you can tell them apart.
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
Women like intelligent men because opposites attract.
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both and get married.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The best way to get a woman to do something is to suggest that she is too old for it.
So many women - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
What do you do if your wife walks out on you? You change the locks.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
God created all men equal, then plucked the dicks off the really stupid ones.
If sheep could cook who would need a woman?
According to the Bible woman was the last thing created. I wonder if he wasn't a little tired by then.
Things wouldn't have been a lot better for us guys if God would have used a funny bone instead of a rib.
The day women stop carrying mirrors is the day I will support the Equal Rights Amendment.
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
If you help a woman in need, she will remember you the next time she is in need.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
God gave women tits so men would at least talk to them.
Women are like floor tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
Women are like blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Women are like commercials, you can't believe a word they say.
Women are like copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Women are like lava lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Women are like laxatives, they irritate the crap out of you.
The Space between a woman's breasts and hips is called a waist because you could easily fit another set of tits in there.
The difference between a car battery and a woman is that a battery has a positive side.
It's called a "Wonder Bra" because when you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
God created woman to carry the semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

[twistedpair]

WOW!! I'm not worthy!!

[scgms1]

One more,..
MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN
Of COURSE he wants another beer.
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
He does NOT want to be just friends, only on TV.
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
Don't drive when you're not driving.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
Shopping is not fascinating.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another.
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
Unless the answer is yes.
In which case, can he videotape it?
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Micro waving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time.
You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer.
The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
Dogs good, cats bad.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
If he has to sit through Legends of the Fall, you have to sit through Showgirls.
"Fine" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was not looking at that other girl.
Well, okay... maybe a little.
Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. like you never looked at another guy...
There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cu#!".
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
Two words: blow job. Learn it. live it. Love it.
Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
Don't hog the covers.
Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's simply obstructing my view.
SportsCenter starts at 8:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
No, you can't have the remote control.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Don't make us guess.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. live with it.
He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends.
Butthead is the smart one.
Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
Socks never constitute a gift.
Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
Curley is the bald one.
Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

[nhbuoy]

SCGMS1...ZOWIE!!!I wish I had the nads to show these to my wife!!!ROCK-ON!!!I hate when you ask a woman the time & they proceed to tell you how a clock is made!!!>>>>>>>>>GOGETTUM ANGELS>>>>>>>>>>

[FMluvswater]

bump

[BiggusJimbus]

So,
Collecting up these little gems is a hobby of yours?

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

I think you forgot one for the girls
#1 The wife or girlfiend is always right.
#2 When the wife or girlfriend is wrong refer to rule #1 :D

[FMluvswater]

Along the same lines,...
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
bumping for maxwedge :wink:

[Jbb]

The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her.
lol