A Man Walks Into A Bar..........

[Mandelon]

A man walks into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says, "If you can make my horse laugh, you win the money." So, the man walks around back of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back into the tavern and takes the jar of cash.
A few weeks later, the same man walks into the tavern and sees another jar of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were in here last and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the money." So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to the bar and reaches for the jar of cash.
"Hold on a minute, says the bartender. I've gotta know what you said to that horse." "Well," says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my penis was bigger than his."
"And the second time?" Asked the bartender.
"I showed him."

[bordsmnj]

teaches that horse for laughing at me!

[Sleek-Jet]

hahahah.... I don't get it.
No... wait...
Nope, still don't get it. wink wink
LOL :D :D

[Mandelon]

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He lies down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, "but you're a veterinarian. idea

[Mandelon]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. All he's wearing are these tattered leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and hanging from all of them are bright multicolored feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot... I thought maybe you were my son."

[Sleek-Jet]

You have to say this one aloud.
What is the last sound before a pubic hair hits the ground?
(make spitting sound) wink wink
[ February 27, 2003, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: Sleek-Jet ]

[Jordy]

I'm surprised to see real jokes in here Mandelon... no matter how old they are. :D
I was waiting for:
A man walks into a bar... ouch. :D

[bordsmnj]

that parrot one if f ing funny!

[Mandelon]

Didn't I see that the other day some where...It was "two men walk into a bar" You'd think the second one would've ducked.........???? :p
[ February 27, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Mandelon ]

[Jordy]

something like that

[Sleek-Jet]

A cowboy owns the smartest horse in the West. This was not you average smart horse, this horse brought the cowboy his slippers and paper in the morning, and could understand and deliver any order given to him... this was a smart horse.
One day the horse and the cowboy are captured by a band of thieves. One thief steps forward and tells the cowboy he can have one request before he is killed.
The cowboy motions to the horse, who comes over to the cowboy. The cowboy wispers something in the horse's ear, and the horse takes off in a dead run back tword town.
The thief comes over and asks what that is all about, and the cowboy explains that the horse is going to retrieve his final wish.
At this point, the thieves can't kill the cowboy till the horse gets back, just so they can see what this last wish is.
Hours pass.
Suddenly the horse comes running around the corner with a naked women on it's back!!
"NO,NO", exclaimes the cowboy, "I said posse, bring back a posse!"
[ February 27, 2003, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: Sleek-Jet ]

[Jordy]

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

[Sleek-Jet]

Mandelon:
Didn't I see that the other day some where...It was "two men walk into a bar" You'd the second one would've ducked.........???? :p Thanks for the credit. :p :D

[Mandelon]

Where did we read it????
If I had hair like that, I would f-ing kill myself. wink
http://www.rr.com/v5/images/ap/NY125022714.jpg
[ February 27, 2003, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Mandelon ]

[Sleek-Jet]

Right here:
http://forums.***boat.net/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=15;t=001729#000000
about 4 days ago.

[Sleek-Jet]

Mandelon:
Where did we read it????
If I had hair like that, I would f-ing kill myself. wink
http://www.rr.com/v5/images/ap/NY125022714.jpg Ya, but you could find some hair color stuff to match those streaks. Don't be so dramatic!! :D

[OCStoker]

I was driving down the freeway with my 8 year old daughter, when I noticed in the car in front of me a man and his wife were having a heated arguement. All of the sudden the wife leaned over and cut off his penis. She then threw it out the window! It proceded to bounce of my windshield startling both of us. My daughter asked what was THAT? Since she was only 8, I told her it was a bug. She said "oh"........she followed up by saying, "it sure had a big DICK".

[Liberator TJ1984]

A man and his son are walking down the street ,overhead in the trees 2 birds are getting it on..the boy asks what are they doing ? Dad embarrased replys ..well son they are fighting because that tree aint big enough for them both so one is trying to get the other to leave. I understand he replys,thats about right...as they walk on he sees 2 snakes in a yard tangled up and having sex also..again the father replys they are wrestling to see which one will stay in the yard, Boy says ,yea ! thats right....as they get home there are 2 dogs hooked up in there front yard, before he canask the dad tells him the doggie on top has hurt his front feet so the one on the bottom is letting him rest them on his back till they feel better....Little boy goes Yea thats about right...Dad asks whats Right ?? he replys ... you try and help someone out ,they'll F@#k you in the Ass Everytime eek!

[sandblasted]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and
asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you
guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one
blonde with big tits"
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big
tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart
ass, I told you no one would worry about the 40
million Iraqis." ]

[Bad Meds]

How do you circumsize a cowboy?
Kick his sister in the chin eek!

[Unchained]

A man walks up to the bar and orders two drinks.
He drinks one down and dumps the other one on his hand.
The bartender cleans up the mess.
A few minutes later the man orders two more drinks. He drinks one down and dumps the other one on his hand.
The bartender cleans up the mess.
A few minutes later the man orders two more drinks. He drinks one down and dumps the other one on his hand.
Then the bartender says, Hey! why do you keep dumping the drink on your hand?
The man says, I'm trying to get my date drunk.

[LeE ss13]

A Grizzly Bear walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender. The bartender says, "Look, we don't server bears beer." The Grizzy Bear says, " OH YEH ...", walks to the end of the end of the bar where this ol' broad is sitting, kills her and eats her all up. He comes back to the bartender and says, "See that !!! Now serve me a beer !!!". The bartender says, "Look ... we not only don't serve bears beer, we don't sever drug users !!!" The Grizzly exclaims, "Drug user ???". "Yea...", says the bartender, " that was a bar-bitch-you-ate !!!"

[126driver]

OK, a long one but here goes:
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off the guy's shoulder, runs down the bar, grabs another guy's hamburger and eats it. "Hey! Get that damn monkey under control and pay that man $5 for his sandwich" yells the bartender. The guy aplogizes, gathers up the monkey, pays the $5, and continues to drink his beer. The monkey gets loose, runs up to a table and slams down a woman's cocktail. "Damnit, I warned you once about that monkey and I won't tell you again! Keep that thing away from my customers and pay that lady $5 for her drink" the bartender shouts. The guy aplogizes and and hands the women a five. Suddenly, the monkey hops on the pool table and swallows the cue ball. "Take that monkey and get the hell outta here!" screams the bartender.
Several weeks later, the same guy shows up again with his monkey. The bartender tells him that the monkey better be on his best behavior. Well, the monkey hops on the bar, grabs a cherry from the garnish tray, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and proceeds to eat it. "Did you see what your monkey just did?! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen" says the bartender. "Yeah, I'm real sorry about that" the guy says, "but ever since that cue-ball incident, he measures everything before he eats it." eek!
<Ba-da-boom>
[ February 28, 2003, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: 126driver ]

[Boatcop]

A dog with a big bandage on his foot walks into the old west saloon , and exclaims:
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

[Ziggy]

Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits your winshield??
.
.
.
.
.
HIS ASS! :D

[missboatnam1]

i think BOTH of there hair sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yuk yuk
looks like someone grabbed pieces of her hair and drained bleach on it....i guess im gettin flippin old, but that reminds me of something in east L.A...wheres the eye liner????????????....LOL eek!

[AZKC]

jordanpaulk:
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says "hey buddy, why the long face?" Goes with...
Skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender asks him what he's havin, Skeleton says "Give me a pitcher of beer and a mop"
KC

[HighRoller]

If I had hair like that, I would f-ing kill myself.
Well,shooting yourself in the head is not an option because a bullet would bounce off that fro!!!!!!!

[Sleek-Jet]

Little Johhny comes downstairs for breakfast.
"What's for breakfast Mom?" he asks.
"Oatmeal", is the reply.
"Oatmeal?! What about the bacon, eggs, and milk we usually have?" asks Johhny.
"Well, yesterday I saw you kick the hogs, so no bacon for you. I also saw you kick the chickens and kick the cow, so no eggs or milk either", states his mother.
About this time Johhny's father comes down the stairs. When he gets to the bottom, he kicks the cat half-way accross the room.
Johhny looks at his mother and asks, "Do I get to tell him, or do you want to?". :D wink :D

[Mandelon]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him
that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was quite impressed.
The second women goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive new clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is much impressed.
! The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him
that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

[scgms1]

A 6 year old boy named Leroy was sitting on his porch step watching
all the other kids in the neighborhood play. They were riding
their bikes up and down the street. His Mom stepped
outside, and noticed that he looked very sad. His Mom asked
him what was wrong.
"Mom, all the other kids have bikes, why can't I have one?"
"Leroy, If we could afford it, you would have a bike. Since
your Dad left, all the money goes towards the bills."
After dinner, Little Leroy went to his bedroom and thought
about how to get a bike. He decided to ask Jesus for a
bike. Afterall, Jesus does answer prayers.
So Leroy grabs a piece of paper and pencil, and starts to
write a letter to Jesus........
Dear Jesus,
I have been a VERY GOOD boy. Please send me a bike.
Thanks, Leroy
Leroy thinks about this for a couple of minutes and
decides...... Jesus is watching us all the time, I have to
be truthful. So he tears up the first letter and writes a
second.
Dear Jesus,
This is Leroy again. I have been a pretty good boy. Could
you please send me a bike.
Leroy thinks about it again, and decides to be totally
truthful. He tears up the second letter, and starts a
third.
Dear Jesus,
This is Leroy again. I've been a pretty bad boy, but could
you please send me a bike anyway?
Leroy
Leroy puts the letter under his pillow, and goes to sleep.
He wakes up the next morning to look for his bike. It's not
there. The second and third morning, still no bike. After a
week Leroy has lost his patience. He goes across the street to
the Catholic church, walks inside, and sees a statue of the
Virgin Mary. He looks around, and doesn't see anyone. Leroy
takes the statue and runs home.
He gets home and runs to his bedroom. He puts the statue
under his pillow and writes another letter..........
Dear Jesus,
I have your Mom. If you ever want to see her again send the
bike NOW!!!

[JetBoatRich]

http://www.***boat.net/image_center/data/500/78MonkeyJoke.wmv
[ March 04, 2003, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: JetBoatRich ]

[Metal_King]

Two gerbils are walking by a gay bar. So, one says to the other, "Hey, wanna go in and get sh**faced?"