Mandelon
02-05-2003, 05:45 PM
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
> 1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
> house 4
> inches deep.
> 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
> blades, they can ignite.
> 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
> restaurant.
> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
> enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
> Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
> can, to
> spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
> 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
> using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
> times
> before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
> 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
> by
> a ceiling fan.
> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
> too l
> late.
> 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
> 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
> 36-year
> old man says they can only do it in the movies.
> 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
> 11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
> 12. Super glue is forever
> 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
> walk on water.
> 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
> 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
> show they do.
> 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
> 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
> 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
> like
> ovens.
> 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
> dizzy.
> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
> 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
> One day
> the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
> Pigs
> to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
> pig was
> trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
> read,
> "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
> straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw
> to
> build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And
> what
> do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and
> said, "I
> think he said... 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was
> unable to
> teach for the next 10 MINUTES.
> -------------
> Grandchildren are the reward that you get for not killing your children.
> 1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
> house 4
> inches deep.
> 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
> blades, they can ignite.
> 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
> restaurant.
> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
> enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
> Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
> can, to
> spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
> 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
> using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
> times
> before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
> 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
> by
> a ceiling fan.
> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
> too l
> late.
> 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
> 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
> 36-year
> old man says they can only do it in the movies.
> 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
> 11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
> 12. Super glue is forever
> 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
> walk on water.
> 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
> 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
> show they do.
> 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
> 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
> 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
> like
> ovens.
> 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
> dizzy.
> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
> 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
> One day
> the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
> Pigs
> to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
> pig was
> trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
> read,
> "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
> straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw
> to
> build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And
> what
> do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and
> said, "I
> think he said... 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was
> unable to
> teach for the next 10 MINUTES.
> -------------
> Grandchildren are the reward that you get for not killing your children.