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GrapeApe
06-19-2003, 03:06 PM
Everyone can relate to this.... :mad:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is
the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees...

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-19-2003, 03:18 PM
yuk yuk yuk yuk
That is some nasty s**t but funny..

eliminatedsprinter
06-19-2003, 03:19 PM
At my work, I am the Sanatra of the bathroom :D .
Because I kill the room... eek! :p

HammerDown
06-19-2003, 03:33 PM
Wow...its all there...everything ya ever wanted to know about Dumping. The above would also apply when at a Restruant.

FMluvswater
06-19-2003, 03:59 PM
I is just sittin' here laughing and laughing and laughing!! :D :D :D

HOSS
06-19-2003, 04:33 PM
I`m just sitting here in amazement at how long it would take someone to think that shit up!
I need a job like that! wink

Stupid Fast
06-19-2003, 06:35 PM
Working in the field, as a Construction superintendent, I would have to say pooping at work is VERY dangerous!! Half the time someone has broken the lock on the door to the PORTA-JON (like at the fair). I do not know which is worse, walking in on a pooper or being walked in on. There is also the danger of jokers. I have seen heavy equiptment used to block the door, Air compressors in the straw(you guys that use um know what this is). This makes the contents bubble out of the tank. Ropes tieing the Jon shut. Forktrucks carrying the Jon away with people in it, or the worst, just tipping it over.
Office people have it easy. There is NO ETIQUITE on the jobsite. :D
[ June 19, 2003, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: Stupid Fast ]

Stupid Fast
06-19-2003, 06:37 PM
Opps
[ June 19, 2003, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Stupid Fast ]

rvrkaosI
06-19-2003, 06:53 PM
This is a riot! :D

RiverReady2
06-19-2003, 10:36 PM
How about the stalls with no doors??(Like Buena Vista) :confused: :D :D
-Justin
[ June 19, 2003, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: RiverReady2 ]

HammerDown
06-20-2003, 05:08 AM
RiverReady2:
How about the stalls with no doors??(Like Buena Vista) :confused: :D :D
-Justin No door on the stall, thats just not right, I mean thats my time, to become one with the dump,...ya can't get your groove on without a door! :D
This is some messed up s**T...funny, but messed up.
[ June 20, 2003, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: HammerDown ]

Sleek-Jet
06-20-2003, 09:16 AM
Another thing, don't wear fancy shoes. Wear cheap Payless crap like everyone else.
Nice footwear can give you away with just a simple peek.

spectratoad
06-20-2003, 09:23 AM
That reminds me, I need to make a visit to the blue room. eek!

LUVNLIFE
06-20-2003, 06:43 PM
Out of the closet is the best. No matter who's around, "I'M GONNA TAKE A CRAP" They kill me, literally.