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Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:02 PM
Hallmark Cards You'll Never See
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat. Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me.
6. Your computer is dead,
it was once so great...
Don't you regret installing
Windows '98?
7. You totalled your car,
and can't remember why...
could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:03 PM
1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. I hate everybody, and you're next!
3. And your point is....
4. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
5. **Warning** I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me! You will NOT win!
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
12. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
13. I'm not a bitch, I'm THE BITCH; and it's MS. BITCH to you!
14. All stressed out and no one to choke.
15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
16. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
.............( . )( . )....... :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:05 PM
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk!
Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow!
This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night!
You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
especially when I'm spanking your big-round-fat ass!
Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
Through all the things that come and pass,
Our love has grown...but so has your ass!
You're a honey...and you're a cutie,
I just wished you had J-Lo's 'booty'!
I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
.........( . )( . )........ :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:06 PM
Applicatiom for a piece of ASS!
Name:______________________
City:______________________
State:_____________________
Age:__________ Phone:______________
SSN:_______________
Hair Color:__________
Real Hair Color:____________
Eye Color:___________
Dentures: __________
Weight: _________
Height:___________
Waist Size: __________
Breast or Bra Size: __________
Marital Status:
Married___________
Single______________
Divorced:_________ Other__________
Are Your Breasts Real? ____________
Do You Like Them:
Sucked_________ Chewed__________ Kissed____________
Caressed__________ Squeezed________ Licked_________
Other_____
All of the Above____________
Can You Stay Out Late? _____________ How Late?_____________
All Night? _________ Several Days? ___________
Do You Like To Have Sex And Be Screwed All Night? ____________
How Often? __________
Do You Like Oral Sex? _____________
Pussy Size:
Small ________ Medium __________
Large ____________ Extra Large __________
While Screwing Do You:
Faint______ Fart______ Cry______ Moan______
Hum______ Whistle______ Scream_______ Sing_______
Scratch___________ Just Lay There_________
All of the Above_____________________
List the Top 3 Positions You Like the Best:
1)______________
2)______________
3)______________
When You Cum Do You:
Wiggle______ Wobble__________
Twist_______ Jerk_________ Scream________
Cry________ Just Start Humping Like Hell___________
What Kind of Screw Do You Like?
Fast_________ Super Fast__________ Slow__________
All Night____________ All Speeds___________
How Many Times? _________________
How Long Do You Like To Screw At
One Interval? ___________________________
If You Have Screwed Before, Give Two(2) References
(Not Immediate Family)
Name:______________ Address:______________
Phone:__________
Name:______________ Address:______________
Phone:__________
Would your service be Free of Charge?_______
If Application Is Favorable, And If Not Free,
What Are Your Charges For:
One Night_________ One Hour____________
Muff Burger Special or Blow Job?___________
What Credit Cards Will You Accept?
Master Card_____ VISA______ Am. Express_______
Sears________ JC Penney's___________
All of the Above________ Others_________
Comments __________________________
........( . )( . )......... :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:08 PM
The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee.
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see-there is a hole?
Out in the woods, they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."
But in the house, it's plain to see ...
There is a bowl in which you pee!
(It's usually white & kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?
If not control, then tell me why ....
They make my bathroom such a sty?
Come on guys, get a clue!
You know what you have to do.
Be a human-not a pig
& don't forget to lift the lid.
When you're done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush.
Then take the lid & push it down
(don't make us women feel like clowns)
Falling in, it is not fun-
getting water on your buns
Zip up your pants, & you're all done
now wasn't that a lot of fun?
Keep this little poem in mind~
Your woman will find you very kind.
.........( . )( . )......... :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:10 PM
Early days look rough........( . )( . )...... :D wink :p http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72Trimming.gif

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:15 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72stop.jpg wink .........( . )( . ).....

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:17 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72ask.jpg .......( . )( . )....... :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:18 PM
Odd Thoughts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
.........( . )( . )........ :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:23 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72373.jpg .......( . )( . )...... :D wink eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:24 PM
Not me........( . )( . ).......... :D eek! http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72ET0001.jpg

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:27 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72bitch.jpg .......( . )( . )....... :D wink eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:29 PM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbours newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
25. Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
...........( . )( . )......... :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:33 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72moses.jpg :D wink :p ........( . )( . )....

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:35 PM
Why women think Oreos are better than me!
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
1. The creamy white stuff tastes good
.......( . )( . ).......... :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:36 PM
20 Harsh things a Woman can say to a Naked Man
1. Wow, and your feet are so big!
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. (giggle and point)
10. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
11. At least this won't take long.
12. I never saw one like this before.
13. But it still works, right?
14. This is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light...?
16. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
17. Are you cold?
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird."
..........( . )( . ).......... :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:37 PM
12 Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you're right dear."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; borrow it while we're here....even our kids.
12. And finally ... Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
.............( . )( . )........ eek! :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:38 PM
One Angry Female
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
..........( . )( . ).......... :D eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:39 PM
Do you know how tough it is being a man?
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
............( . )( . ).......... :D wink eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:41 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10.She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11.She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12.She is not a TWO-BIT ***** - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10.He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
........( . )( . ).......... :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:41 PM
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt in the rain.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch or fart is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to ask you: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
...........( . )( . )......... :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:43 PM
Marrige Contract for Women!
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".
Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
..........( . )( . )...... eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:45 PM
Not me typing this...got it!.....( . )( . )....
Ode to a Mammogram
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And my bra I always wore.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that lump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath", she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good", I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one".
Lord have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
eek! eek! jawdrop

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:48 PM
Doctor Office
(not sure if true or not) There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied snottily, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
........( . )( . )...... :D
[ August 10, 2003, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Kim Hanson ]

sidewound
08-10-2003, 01:50 PM
WOW!
I'm humbled.
:confused: Peace Man :cool:
CESAR

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:52 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72perfect.gif .....( . )( . ).... eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:56 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72pizza.jpg .......( . )( . )...... eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 01:58 PM
In real life this is what guys see first......( . )( . )....... eek! http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72008.jpg

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:02 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72ugly.jpg Not me.....( . )( . )...... :D eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:03 PM
Ladys have to watch out........( . )( . )..... eek! :D http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72oral.jpg

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:21 PM
If I dish it to both sexs, I should be safe......( . )( . )...... :D
Vibrators vs Men
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because ...
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!(while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:22 PM
Lesbonics
01. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet
02. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
03. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.
04. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
05. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
06. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
07. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
08. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
09. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month..
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
..........( . )( . )........ :D wink :p

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:23 PM
From the Mouth's of First Graders
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, "six" year-olds, because the last one is classic!
Better to be safe than..........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................... Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...............how?
Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
No news is......................................impossible .
A miss is as good as a..........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the....................pigs.
An idle mind is.................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's................... pollution.
Happy the bride who.............................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is................................not much.
Two's company, three's..........................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what................you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as......................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not................ spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...................get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind................get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than................................pregnant!!!!
.........( . )( . )....... eek! :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:25 PM
Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1...repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6 now.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry, You won't be crazy forever!
............( . )( . )......... :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:26 PM
Marital Sex
Subject: Marital Sex
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
================================================== ========
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
..........( . )( . )......... :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:27 PM
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "come on, Dick, we're leaving."
.........( . )( . )......... :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:28 PM
Crisco
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"Well, what do you call her when you're at home?"
"Lard ass." ........( . )( . )....... eek! :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:29 PM
Men are like...
...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...government bonds
they take so long to mature.
...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
.........( . )( . )........ :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:30 PM
The Italian, Frenchman, and Redneck were comparing lovemaking.
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a da bed in ectasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ectasy."
The redneck says, "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling
............( . )( . )...... :D wink

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:31 PM
Glad I'm a Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
.............( . )( . )....... eek! :D wink j/k

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:32 PM
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners:
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
..........( . )( . )......... :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:33 PM
Useful Tips
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The Blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will Prevent you from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens By drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in The direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, Start eating cakes again.
16. A next door neighbour's car antenna, carefully folded, makes An ideal coathanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes An inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken Anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, Meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't Know any difference.
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell Them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take Your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her By the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment Always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the Stain and check that it has gone.
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last Frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for A while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping Red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and Dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' Device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. ......( . )( . )........ :D eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 02:34 PM
Sex Test For Rednecks
1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False
..........( . )( . )....... :D :p

topless
08-10-2003, 02:37 PM
Damn Kim, you ARE bored!!!! eek!

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 03:14 PM
topless:
Damn Kim, you ARE bored!!!! eek! It's raining here and this is it.....( . )( . )......I will make do :D
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each
other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when
I was born...Couldn't walk for a year."

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 03:24 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/7270f6c3f3.mpg

missboatnam1
08-10-2003, 04:02 PM
holy shit kim, your workin hard today!! :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 04:13 PM
missboatnam1:
holy shit kim, your workin hard today!! :D Hows it going missy, long time since you said anything to me....( . )( . )...... consentration (http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72concentration_1_.mpg) :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 04:17 PM
Just Do It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72catchtree_1_.mpg) :D

Jrocket
08-10-2003, 04:29 PM
Dam dude,get some sleep! :D

Kim Hanson
08-10-2003, 08:28 PM
Jrocket:
Dam dude,get some sleep! :D When HavasuBarney is back up and running...maybe........( . )( . )..... :D

STV_Keith
08-10-2003, 09:30 PM
What's up with the HB site Kim?

Kim Hanson
08-11-2003, 02:30 PM
STV_Keith:
What's up with the HB site Kim? I really wish I could tell you Keith, but I was told to just wait and see whats going to happen, so I'am like all the rest! Just waitingggggg......( . )( . )....... frown

ratso
08-11-2003, 03:38 PM
I'm having serious bum and boob withdrawals...

Phat_Kat
08-11-2003, 03:41 PM
Kim Hanson:
Jrocket:
Dam dude,get some sleep! :D When HavasuBarney is back up and running...maybe........( . )( . )..... :D Ratquest is always open.... :D :D :D :D

Kim Hanson
08-11-2003, 03:41 PM
ratso:
I'm having serious bum and boob withdrawals... Barney posted in the Hot Boats West, It's called BARNEY.......( . )( . ).......soon, hopefully! :cool: :D

FMluvswater
03-23-2004, 10:10 PM
BUMP! There's some damn funny shiznit in here! :D You're very generous with the entertainment when you are bored, Sugar. ;) :D :cool: