PDA

View Full Version : How did you get through it?



126driver
02-03-2004, 10:40 AM
I've seen some people post some real personal stuff on here, so here goes:
I've been married for thirteen years, have two boys, 5 & 12, and my wife wants a divorce. As a matter of fact she dropped the bomb on me two days before our 13th anniversary and I was moved out the day after. Doesn't want counseling, won't give me another chance, wouldn't even give me a hug yesterday when I had to get some paperwork to her. She says she has no emotions at all for me. I've written her and told her how I feel but she says it's too late. She told me in September that she wanted to go to counseling and was thinking of divorce but I blew it off; I've had friends go to counseling and it has never worked IMO. Things got better for a while I thought, and what I really think is that she likes this guy that she met over New Years. She denies it and he denies it, but I got the vibe, you know? She's taken the kids to see a few of his shitty purestock dirt car races, wants to play on his softball team and has done some other stuff with him and a few others. I thought we were friends, the guy sat on my couch and drank beer with me, but there you go. I've been out of the house for a week now and all I want to do is hide. And I was telling her when we were doing some last-minute Christmas shopping for the kids on Dec. 24 that things were going to be great in 2004. The company that I worked at for 21 years went out of business in August, I was all lined up to pull the trigger on my own business, and now this. Oh yeah. I turn 40 in April. Have I brought you all down yet? Sorry, but it feels a little better to at least type this.
How did you get through it if you were the one that got kicked to the curb?

78Eliminator
02-03-2004, 10:45 AM
I say, this is a blessing in disguise. Work on your business. Keep busy. Forget about fixing the relationship and just be kind to your kids. Worry about yourslef and the kids and let her go. There are better ones, and more loyal ones out there.

Scream
02-03-2004, 10:48 AM
How did you get through it if you were the one that got kicked to the curb?
FRIENDS!
You've made plenty in you're life time. It's time to find out which ones are worth thier salt. Nothing is going to stop the hurt and ease the pain better than talking things over with a good listener.
My best friend of almost 30 years had a similar situation. Wife decides one day that he's not her cup of tea. He worshiped after a fashion, did all that she ever wanted, and not any of it seemed to matter. After she admitted to him she had an affair, he still loved her emphatically. We talked almost every day. If he didn't call me, I called him. I went over his house and got hammered and spent the night on the couch, just like the good ol days.
You're gonna feel like shit for a while and try to place blame on yourself, but remember that you're not the one who needs a change of scenerey here. Give yourself a pat on the back for being dedicated and pull the friend card now.
Just my opinion.

Keithb87
02-03-2004, 10:55 AM
I did a lot of posting with my most recent breakup.. ;) (and a lot of drinking) I also found other things to do to keep me occupied and off of the mind altering drugs.
Take on a project, or come over and work on mine.
I'm sure you've probally heard theat it gets better with time. It's real hard to believe that right now.
But it really does. :)
It took me and my ex-wife almost 5 years to be able to talk to each other civilly. But we realized that for the kids, 9 and13, we needed to act like adults.
As for the dude that is " your friend", cut you losses. I had a so called "friend" trying to help / counsel me and my ex-wife. But all he did was take all the stuff I told him and used it to get my wife into bed.
Just do for you and your kids for now. A better one will eventually come along. :D :D
Don't hesitate to pm if you need to.

HighRoller
02-03-2004, 11:09 AM
Hire a P.I. if you can to find out if she "betrayed" you. If she did, flame her out! Make sure her family knows what she did and that her actions destroyed your family. Then just walk away. Let her know that you'll do whatever it takes to get her out of your life as quickly as possible and that she is only to contact your attorney unless it is about the children. The key to getting over it is to not have contact with her. And remember, this guy thinks he's the stud because he took her from you but he's really a dumbass. If she left you for him, what do you think she'll do to him for another guy?

HTM4ME
02-03-2004, 11:09 AM
Just do what i did forget about her and all females for a while and go boating and have fun.
but always remember anything that can bleed
for a week every month and not die cannot be
TRUSTED

MagicMtnDan
02-03-2004, 11:26 AM
I could write a book but don't have time so:
* I feel for you dude. It hurts and you'll need time to get over it.
* Focus on yourself - if you're not happy with yourself, you won't be happy with anyone else. Find ways to make yourself happy - that's gotta be your first priority. You don't need someone else to define who you are.
* Forget about her. Try.
* Your intuition is right - she's got herself another boyfriend. Unless a man does some very bad things women only slam the door on their men when they have another guy on the line. She would listen to you and treat you like a her husband if she wasn't busy with someone else.
* Forget about her. Try.
* Get busy doing things that are good for you - be with your family, friends, make things better at work, hobbies (boating!), whatever it is you like to do. Do the things you couldn't do because she wasn't into them. And enjoy doing them.
* Never forget that it takes two people to make a relationship work and only one person to eff it up! Don't blame yourself!
* Forget about her.
* Focus on yourself.
* Life is too short to be with someone who treats you like she did.
* When you're feeling better about yourself you'll find someone who will LOVE who you are. Look forward to it. Plan on it.
* Get busy
Good luck!
(Been there before and know what the recovery is like)

SummerBreeze
02-03-2004, 11:30 AM
126driver
Sorry to hear about your pain.
Your wife left a long time ago. I know it hurts like hell but through the pain you will be better.
Stay busy, start working out, stay out of the bars, don't date. Find yourself first and you will find happness.
You might want to read a book called"The Five Love Languages" Chapman is the auther. You need unerstanding on what went wrong.
Just my 2cents and I hope it helps

MagicMtnDan
02-03-2004, 11:34 AM
Originally posted by SummerBreeze
126driver
Sorry to hear about your pain.
Your wife left a long time ago. I know it hurts like hell but through the pain you will be better.
Stay busy, start working out, stay out of the bars, don't date. Find yourself first and you will find happness.
You might want to read a book called"The Five Love Languages" Chapman is the auther. You need unerstanding on what went wrong.
Just my 2cents and I hope it helps
If you're into reading books here's a great one - once you start reading it you won't put it down til you're done:
The Road Less Traveled (http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0743243153/ref=sib_dp_pt/103-4757761-3582241#reader-link)

Scream
02-03-2004, 11:39 AM
Oh Yea,
Get ahold of a Sam Kinneson video he did a year or two before he met his maker. Let this guy rip his tonsils out for ya so you'll be able to talk the next day.

mmered8299
02-03-2004, 11:40 AM
Try to keep it simple. Focus. There are two roads you can go on. You can hide under that rock, cry, mope, feel sorry for yourself. Or choose the other road. Get your ass off the couch, suck it up and start that new bussiness you wanted too. Focus on you kids and your work. Soon you'll be able to buy that new boat and take the kids skiing with your new girlfriend! It can only get better from here. Hang in there!:)

MsDrmr
02-03-2004, 11:41 AM
a view from a woman: I left my ex eight years ago, I was divorced long before I left. I wanted to get counseling becuase he was very abusive in several different ways, but I figured that if you stopped the abuse I would live without love. He blew off the counseling, and within a year I was gone. Once a woman decides to leave, she has left long before. My mr after 18yrs of marriage divorced 2yrs ago (seperated for 1 1/2yrs before divorce) and it was the same thing, he left his home, kids and everything behind. YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED!!!! So don't leave her everything. Take time, heal your heart and know that she is not the woman that can return your love anymore. You MUST keep your kids in your life, don't let them go. and dont let her take them from you, they need you. And just know your okay and let the wounds heal.....

drbones
02-03-2004, 11:41 AM
FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS!
Scream is right.... Been there done that...
And yes it does get better faster if you dont have cantact with her...it is her loss ...not yours
Time to meet new ppl...remember being out with her...and seeing a really hot cashier or waitress.....Now go back to the same place and do something you couldnt do before...flurt with her..ask her out....shit you are free....and I know..you really dont wanna be free....but you are..Now go make new friends and hang out with your old ones....but the best thing to do is try to stay away from her..unless it about the kids....but dont use the kids just to see her...
Enjoy your self..dont feel sorry for your self...
It will get better...you have done all you can do...now all you can do is move on....
If you need some one to talk to just PM me
Just wanted to add ..I married that Hot cashier :D ....like I said..been here done that

mmered8299
02-03-2004, 11:44 AM
There is a new movie that just came out. "Along came Polly" His father had some good advise about this subject. He basically said to roll with the punches. Life is short. Make the best of it. Ect.

126driver
02-03-2004, 11:45 AM
Thanks for the reply guys. I'm not going to start that business now. What for? To let her bleed it? I have a job offer to project-manage a project that will have me travelling all over the Eastern US for four months. They're going to make me a wage offer tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking it and getting the hell out of here for a while.

bigd1
02-03-2004, 11:51 AM
You'll get over it. I went through the same thing a few years back. After I realized that the world was not going to end, it actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. I still can't figure out why someone would go through a divorce and then want to get married again. That's a real glutton for punishment.

Keithb87
02-03-2004, 11:53 AM
Originally posted by 126driver
Thanks for the reply guys. I'm not going to start that business now. What for? To let her bleed it? I have a job offer to project-manage a project that will have me travelling all over the Eastern US for four months. They're going to make me a wage offer tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking it and getting the hell out of here for a while.
Travel might be a good thing, and why not get paid to do it??

drbones
02-03-2004, 11:54 AM
Originally posted by bigd1
I still can't figure out why someone would go through a divorce and then want to get married again. That's a real glutton for punishment.
Well It took me 10 years.... :D

Ziggy
02-03-2004, 12:05 PM
Originally posted by 126driver
Thanks for the reply guys. I'm not going to start that business now. What for? To let her bleed it? I have a job offer to project-manage a project that will have me travelling all over the Eastern US for four months. They're going to make me a wage offer tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking it and getting the hell out of here for a while.
Been there and done that divorce thingy...getting out of Dodge is good for you and 4 months would heal many pains, only downfall in your case would probably be the kids being away from you.
Immerse yourself in other topics besides your Ex.
When my Ex told me she was divorcing it was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me, I'd envisioned a lifetime with that woman but thankfully the divorce was the biggest Godsend I could've wished for......and likely you'll see this too after some time-----and having a fun date sometime in the future will open your eyes to this even more.
Good luck through the tough part and stay focused on your own goals.

ratso
02-03-2004, 12:23 PM
Hey 126, I know the pain. I have quite a few exes and ex wives, trust me I've been there. First and foremost, accept the fact that she is seeing someone else and move on. Every single one...as far as the 5 ex wives, have wanted to come back, and a lot of times I let it happen. Trouble is by the time that happens I am usually over them and don't want them back except for an occasional piece of ass, which they find out too late that is all they were to the ******** they left you for, and then have a good laugh at their expense this time. My problem is I get hooked up with someone and I do everything in the world for them and trust me 99% of the women nowdays will run your ass smooth over once you start doing that. No matter what you do it is never enough and someone will come along with the right line or a shoulder to cry on and they're spreading them for someone else. An earlier post stated that it was probably over long before this divorce came about... I say BULLSHIT... Being single off and on over the years, there are women I have taken to bed that are just fine with their relationship, maybe the hubby is out of town for deer season, maybe it's an old flame that the two of you still have a special connection with, maybe too much to drink, maybe their man did something to piss them off, maybe it's just the "moment" and things got out of hand, but it happens all the time. The true stats will never be known who screws around more because the guys brag about it and the women will take it to their grave. Most of the ones I've been with were either married, engaged, or had a boyfriend...and most but not all are very very easy targets, at least for me... All I can say is be very aware of what is going on around you and if your instincts tell you that something is going on then it probably is...I would bet my life on my instincts at any given time, learn to trust them. I'm not trying to bash women here, I have met some awesome ones and even met a few off these boards that I feel very close too and feel I can open up to myself. Learn from your past mistakes (I find that hard to do myself) and be careful about who you give your heart to again. The person I'm seeing now is good as gold, level headed and not psychotic and all I ever hear are good things about her (can't say the same for me) and she is willing to give it a chance if I am. I am very gun-shy after all I've been through, yet we have no choice but to trust each other if it can ever work...but I tell you one damn thing, any red flags go up and I am gone...Good luck, keep your head up and your chest out, and things will be just fine. Stay on the forums, keep us posted, and surround yourself with good people, good friends, and family.

Her454
02-03-2004, 12:30 PM
126- I agree with the fact that she was probably gone long ago. Move on but do it with lots of friends around, dont shut yourself off or shut them out, there is alot of good advice in this thread, and some of that is that you will see who your true friends are through this.
Addressing what RD said.....I think the answer to that question whether it be yes or no, is to leave her be. Stay close with your kids and TRY not to let things get to you that you may hear through them. Keep yourself occupied! :)
POST POST POST! You may end up with carpal tunnel, but there alot of people here that have been through it (some more than others ;) ) and can be a great help! :)

78Eliminator
02-03-2004, 12:30 PM
Dildo party with a couple high class hookers.

AdrenelineOD
02-03-2004, 12:50 PM
I`m really sorry to here you maried a bitch without any sence.
She is totaly into that fag.
Kick the sh!# out of that fagboy and never let your kids know how you really feel about her.

AdrenelineOD
02-03-2004, 12:51 PM
Originally posted by AdrenelineOD
I`m really sorry to here you maried a bitch without any sence.
She is totaly into that fag.
Kick the sh!# out of that fagboy and never let your kids know how you really feel about her. Fag: Aburning bundle of stix!!

Tremor Therapy
02-03-2004, 12:52 PM
Brother I feel your pain, and like many others have walked this lonely path before. I was married for a long time, and blindly trusted her through everything. Well, she hit me the same way, and I closed out the world, my friends, my family, and ended up in the hospital....with bleeding ulsers.
Don't go looking back. You will tear yourself apart wondering what went wrong, instead of healing. It is life you need to get on with, not sitting trying to figure out what went wrong.....save that for your new blower motor!
Remember one thing.....you are a dad. These kids will need you more now than they ever did. Be there for them. Don't run and hide like I did.....they will not understand. Remember that their world, comfort zone, etc., has been tipped upside down as well, and they will be feeling unsure of themselves. Make sure you stay in contact with them, insure that they know that DAD is always there for them....and tell them how much you love them....all of the time!
I know its hard, but like the others said, and I can attest to, time does heal all wounds. You may not be into revenge (and I wasn't), but the ultimate payback is her watching you getting along with your life, doing the things you have always wanted to do, including your kids, succeeding, and enjoying life again.
And worse comes to worse, and I speak from experience, the next woman in your life will be younger, prettier, have bigger tits, and love you for what and who you are!

78Eliminator
02-03-2004, 12:53 PM
Originally posted by AdrenelineOD
Fag: Aburning bundle of stix!!
That was deep, man.

FMluvswater
02-03-2004, 12:56 PM
I was kicked to the curb. Friends. Music. Posting. Coffee. Humor. Friends. Friends. Friends. Time. My ex and I are a good parenting team we are not compatible in a relationship. Our son is our common ground. Most kids would prefer their parents stay together but I know with certainty my son is happier not being in the tense environment he lived in before I left. Take care of yourself but dwell on your kids not on her. Just my .02. :) Hang in there.

Scream
02-03-2004, 01:25 PM
My ex and I are a good parenting team
My sister and her husband split up two years ago. Two sons in college. One with his head on strait, the other screwing up everything he touched. It was very important that they both had common ground when it came to rules and raising thier sons, albeit older ones. This made thier transition from married to not a bit smoother.
To sum up...You're still the Dad...

126driver
02-03-2004, 01:33 PM
Thanks for the replies. Some good advice, just don't know if I can heed it. I'll try. She did try in the past, but I guess I was just too self-absorbed and it finally bit me in the ass when she met this jackoff.
I'm going to pick up my kids soon. They don't have school tomorrow so I'm going to keep them overnight.
Thanks again.

MsDrmr
02-03-2004, 01:48 PM
Originally posted by ratso
Hey 126, I know the pain. I have quite a few exes and ex wives, trust me I've been there. First and foremost, accept the fact that she is seeing someone else and move on. Every single one...as far as the 5 ex wives, have wanted to come back, and a lot of times I let it happen. Trouble is by the time that happens I am usually over them and don't want them back except for an occasional piece of ass, which they find out too late that is all they were to the ******** they left you for, and then have a good laugh at their expense this time. My problem is I get hooked up with someone and I do everything in the world for them and trust me 99% of the women nowdays will run your ass smooth over once you start doing that. No matter what you do it is never enough and someone will come along with the right line or a shoulder to cry on and they're spreading them for someone else. An earlier post stated that it was probably over long before this divorce came about... I say BULLSHIT... Being single off and on over the years, there are women I have taken to bed that are just fine with their relationship, maybe the hubby is out of town for deer season, maybe it's an old flame that the two of you still have a special connection with, maybe too much to drink, maybe their man did something to piss them off, maybe it's just the "moment" and things got out of hand, but it happens all the time. The true stats will never be known who screws around more because the guys brag about it and the women will take it to their grave. Most of the ones I've been with were either married, engaged, or had a boyfriend...and most but not all are very very easy targets, at least for me... All I can say is be very aware of what is going on around you and if your instincts tell you that something is going on then it probably is...I would bet my life on my instincts at any given time, learn to trust them. I'm not trying to bash women here, I have met some awesome ones and even met a few off these boards that I feel very close too and feel I can open up to myself. Learn from your past mistakes (I find that hard to do myself) and be careful about who you give your heart to again. The person I'm seeing now is good as gold, level headed and not psychotic and all I ever hear are good things about her (can't say the same for me) and she is willing to give it a chance if I am. I am very gun-shy after all I've been through, yet we have no choice but to trust each other if it can ever work...but I tell you one damn thing, any red flags go up and I am gone...Good luck, keep your head up and your chest out, and things will be just fine. Stay on the forums, keep us posted, and surround yourself with good people, good friends, and family.
the good news is that I must be in the 1% of women that don't run all over men, so there must be more of them out there

ratso
02-03-2004, 02:09 PM
mrsdrmr, I hope you do understand that post wasn't meant to bash women, there are asshole men out there too, I also know plenty of them. It's just that 1% of women I could never "fall" for, and I'm trying one of those out now, we get along, no drama and definitely no baggage. She is a beautiful person inside and out, and with what I am used to being with, if it screws up, it will probably be my fault...but I'm trying...

Blown 472
02-03-2004, 02:16 PM
Originally posted by 126driver
Thanks for the replies. Some good advice, just don't know if I can heed it. I'll try. She did try in the past, but I guess I was just too self-absorbed and it finally bit me in the ass when she met this jackoff.
I'm going to pick up my kids soon. They don't have school tomorrow so I'm going to keep them overnight.
Thanks again.
Keep busy, hanging out with buddies works, always be postive around you kids and as much as you might hate her never say anything bad about her in front of your kids cuz all that will do is drive a wedge. It is going to be raw for awhile but you will come thru fine and always remember your kids love you no matter what.

burbanite
02-03-2004, 02:18 PM
Originally posted by 126driver
I'm going to pick up my kids soon. They don't have school tomorrow so I'm going to keep them overnight.
Good for you Scott, they still need their Father, nothing will ever replace that so make sure you are in their lives as much as possible.
Don't speak badly about your "ex" in front of them, they will lose respect for you. Eventually they will decide who was right and who was not, let the facts speak for themselves - the truth will surface soon enough.
PM's/emails/phone calls are welcome if you need to talk shop.

BUSTI
02-03-2004, 02:34 PM
126,
I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy! If you are hurt and unable to understand what went wrong after 13 years or one third of your entire life and you are an adult...imagine how painful and confusing it will be for your children! They will need you more than ever now!
Being a great Dad I am sure has always been your focus. It has to be your only focus now! Taking a job that will take you away from your kids while you travel for work for four months on the east coast...could do horrible damage to your children! They could easily start to feel abondoned by both your exwife and you. Find a way to bury your own pain with the great help you can provide your kids during this horrible time for all of you. Creating a new life for you and children is importanat. Make a new home for you and your children and fight to see them all you can. Relocate close to them and start to create new, stable and ongoing family traditions between you and them immeadiately! Show them and teach them that you have problem resolution skills that they can count on no matter what the crisis is..after all neither you or their mom died..that is the ultimate dissaster for a child!
Remember your children will want to be like you! You must decide right now what part of you you want them to be like. ... The part of you that can survive and prosper what ever life throws at you or do you want them to be the part of you that is crushed with the hurt of what life throws at them? What you do right now will be the model they follow for the rest of their life's regarding how they handle adversity! Yes childrem are reselient and they will bounce back, but how high they bounce back and how fast they bounce back is up to you. Be their problem solver now because believe me they have huge problems headed their way..not unsurmountable problems but problems with alot of pain depending on how you handle it.
Regarding your wife..remember both of you failed at this marriage. Pick your self up move on with new goals and quit trying to fiqure what went wrong and start making a plan to insure nothing else goes wrong. Don't bother trying to flame her out. Or contrary what to you have been told here on these boards never open your mouth to her relatives or your children about her. Have the mental strength to keep your mouth shut. Pick up, move on and live down this set back with lifes ultimate revenge...just live well and be a success with your children with out her!
Be the man your children need as well as the man your new wife will be proud of! Trust me down the road you will want to be married again. And when you do have a life and a wife your children will say later in life ...I WANT TO BE LIKE DAD AND HAVE A MARRIAGE JUST LIKE DAD AND MY STEP MOM HAVE!
GOOD LUCK AND REMEMBER THE SUCCESS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HAVE FROM THIS POINT ON WILL BE AND SHOULD BE DEPENDENT ON YOU! TEACH THEM TO WIN AND BE HAPPY. DON'T LET YOUR WIFES LEGACY OF BEING A QUITER BE THE MODEL YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FOLLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE HAPPY MAN LIFE IS SHORT BUT DEPENDING ON HOW YOU ACT IT CAN BE A LONG ROAD. MAKE THAT ROAD TO REHAPPINESS SHORT FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. PM me if you need to talk.

OGShocker
02-03-2004, 03:39 PM
This thread should stop! Busti said it all!
Good luck126!

Her454
02-03-2004, 04:46 PM
Busti, I wish you (and all the people on these boards) had been around when I went through my divorce, you have alot of intelligent advice that you can tell came from the heart.

058
02-03-2004, 05:07 PM
Scott, So sorry to hear your bad news. There is alot of good advice but Busti said it best. I don't know the laws in AZ but if they are anything like Calif. get a laywer and get a pitbull of a lawyer. File for divorce first, it puts her on the defense and have your laywer go for her throat. Don't try to be a nice guy with her as she will screw you over. Remember the house is still half yours, don't let her bully you out of it even for "the kids" Don't take the job on the East coast as it will take you away from your kids and they need you more now than ever before. Do not say anything negative about your ex to or around your kids, they are alot more perceptive than you can imagine, remember she is still their mother. Stay busy with what ever you find pleasureable and time will pass faster than you will realize. Best wishes and good luck......BTW There is no better revenge than by being happy and living well.

Ziggy
02-03-2004, 05:17 PM
Originally posted by BUSTI
126,
Be the man your children need as well as the man your new wife will be proud of! Trust me down the road you will want to be married again. And when you do have a life and a wife your children will say later in life ...I WANT TO BE LIKE DAD AND HAVE A MARRIAGE JUST LIKE DAD AND MY STEP MOM HAVE!
Couldn't be more true. My Ex went nowhere after divorcing me and yet I remarried to a wonderful woman who took my son in as her own the day before our own child was born. We grew as a family and he respected her for the love she gave him. He considers her his mom while his real mom is just his "birthing mother". Its sad to see but kids will form their own opinions as they grow and see what the parents are doing, and he has seen more than he cares from his "mother". So as many have said and this is simply repeating it, stay very close to your kids, say nothing derogitory about their mother and always put a positive spin on life.
Another concern would be the kids want their parents together syndrome--this happened to me several years later as well thinking he was clear and ok with the whole situation. Not so, kids carry this in them for years before letting you know. My suggestion is to make them CLEARLY understand that mommy/daddy ain't gonna happen, not in a tough manner but take to 'em at their level.
Geez, I hate seeing kids involved with such grown up issues, it makes them grow up faster than they need.
Oh, and don't shut out your friends, stay in contact often cuz they/we are just there to help.
Good luck and keep your chin up, it'll all be better later....I know.

Checkmate
02-03-2004, 05:41 PM
My buddy is going through the exact same thing right now. His wife said she wanted a divorce. He wanted her to stay, but she left. He felt bad and is giving her $00 per month, plus he bought her furniture for her new place. The stuff they had was all his from before they married.
He calls me the other day to vent a little, says she ran up his cards before she left. She also got her own and ran them up, now she has lost her job. He says "you'd think she would come back" I said, by the sound of it you are better off without, if she does come back it will only be to get back on her feet. He won't listen. He practically begs her to come back. He told me the other day that he has a "date" with her next week. He cares, she doesn't. No way to change it.:(

76BARRON
02-03-2004, 06:19 PM
WOW! I am not looking at a divorce but reading all these post kinda make's me want to watch my back a bit!:D
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR! and listen to the advice given so far
because it is GOOD ADVICE! these people know what they are talking about!!!!!!
so... This is what i'd like to know...
witch one them (he or she) was better able to keep a straight face
while LYING OUT OF THEIR ASS about nothing going on!:D
I'M not making fun of your situation but it seems all to common
for (buddies) to come over and **** with other people's lives
and act like nothing is wrong.To them it is a big f--k--g game!
GOOD LUCK TO YA ! AND LOVE THOSE KID'S and don't let any
of this get on them! It's not their dance:) :)

mike37
02-03-2004, 07:04 PM
This is making me really paranoid

25 Eagle
02-03-2004, 07:12 PM
Man whats with all this Dr Laura shit, this is Hot Boats! Now go out and F her sister, and if she don't have one do her mother. Might just get her back, worth a try.

MudPumper
02-03-2004, 07:32 PM
The most important thing right now is your KIDS. Love them more than you ever have. NEVER talk bad about your ex to them. They are going to be going through the toughest times in their young lives with this. Be open and communicate with them so they can understand "why" even if you don't.
It's OK to be mad, but don't get mad!! Anger has never solved anything. Keep things civil. If you need to yell, scream, break things, cry, whatever, do it here or with people you can trust. Never let her witness any emotion other than things are OK.
Do everything you can to protect yourself and what assetts you will need. Get a lawyer now.
Love your kids.
Don't drink, it makes you do stupid shit you will regret.
Surround yourself with family, and friends you can trust. Keep busy doing things you enjoy.
Talk about your feelings. Find CONSTRUCTIVE ways to vent your anger and frustration. The gym is a perfect place for this.
Keep your head up, things may get worse before they get better, but they always do get better. Believe it!!
Anything you need just ask, there are plenty of people here who don't know you from Adam but I'm sure will help at the drop of a dime if you need it.
Last but not least, **** her sister, best friend and her mom!!!!

Kilrtoy
02-03-2004, 07:35 PM
Sorry to hear that.
From what you said and someone already said it, She has been gone for awhile, you just didnt know it.
Remember! There is always someone out there, that is even better.
The part that hurts is your kids and she is their mother.
Stay busy and catch up on all of your to do list...
Take care.....:frown:

coolchange
02-03-2004, 07:55 PM
Lots of great advice here. I have a couple of friends who have been going through this for a couple of years. The 3 things I can say after watching them be beat up for years is, 1. get a lawyer 2. do it now 3. dont look back. If you would normally take a job that has travel, do it. Be thankful you didnt start that business. (YET!) Your most important job has and will always be DAD.

BILLY.B
02-03-2004, 09:43 PM
Scott, sorry to read about this. I too went through the exact same thing. All's I can tell you is to call the kids daily and tell them you love them. After all they are the most important thing here. There wasn't a day that I didn't do that. Believe me time will heal all wounds. The thng that "PISSES" me off is the court systems. The way I see, who ever goes outside the marriage first loses everything. But NOOOOOOOOOOO, the woman can cheat and the court will still award the wife half + child support while the husband is just scraping to get buy. I say BULLSHIT !!!!!!:mad: . Let the new S.O.B support her SORRY ASS and see how long the "LOVE" stays around. Best advise....listen to Tom Lykas on thursday evenings...Lykas 101. Live it.. Learn it.. Know it..:cool:

126driver
02-03-2004, 09:47 PM
People, it is so cool to have you guys care to comment on some stranger's problems. It really helped to vent and read all of your comments. I'm really torn on what to do right now, but I'm going to take some of the advice to heart. There's some other aspects that I know I should do but don't know if I can. And you made me rethink some things. I'm going to print this thread. I really, really appreciate it. It helped. Now, let's let this thread die. It's time for me to do the right thing, whatever that is. I have to figure it out on my own from here.
Thank you. And thanks for the PM's too.
Scott

Hotcrusader76
02-04-2004, 01:21 AM
Well the only thing I can add is to progress forward and become the best role model your kids will ever know.
You obviously have a love for boating so what better oppurtunity then to get more involved with your passions as well. Get back to what makes you happy and turns your wheels. Hell start a new business... At the same time incorporate all of these new events into your children's lives as well and you may spark a common interest with your son and or daughter as well.
Before ya know it some little hottie will walk your way when you least expect it...and then may want you to buy her new boobs:D
hang in there bro!

MagicMtnDan
02-04-2004, 06:15 AM
One more thing and it's very important!
Close out your credit cards - all of them! Then get new ones just in your name.
And file for divorce right away.
She can run up your (joint) credit cards and RUIN your credit AND make you responsible for paying them off.
You may not think she's capable of it and she may not be the type to do it but IF she is you'll be in deep doo-doo.
Run to the bank and close your credit card accounts. There's probably some other legal/financial stuff to do to protect yourself and your credit but I don't remember now.
You'll regret not doing this IF she decides to "get you."

sam pioske
02-04-2004, 07:00 AM
Hang in there !!!! Cover your ass as magic mtn said. Go on that job , talk to your kids often, Be the MAN . Most times i have seen the good person come out better. You cant see it now But help it happen. Sorry for the shit in your life.

Jordy
02-04-2004, 07:41 AM
That sucks Scott. Sorry to hear it. Take the steps to protect yourself and realize that your kids are going through alot right now. Don't put them in the middle of it. I've got one of my bud's going through the same thing right now and he's getting to the light at the end of the tunnel. It'll be well worth it when it's over.

Laveyman
02-04-2004, 08:10 AM
Originally posted by Forensic
Been there 126driver. Less than a year ago as a matter of fact. And I came on to the Forums and let it fly. Its a place to vent and a lot of people here have been through similar situations.
I was kicked out of my house too. First thing my lawyer asked me was who owns the house. I said we both were on the title. He said "Then go home, you have as much right to be there as she does." I went home and told here I was living there. I told her if she don't like it, leave. She did.
Remember this. You didn't ask for this, your just dealing with it. Protect yourself.
Get a lawyer. File first. It puts you in control. Once you file, your the pititioner, all she can do is respond to your requests/demands. You get to set the bar. If she wants more, she looks greedy to the court.
Call your friends and go out. Its a good way to take your mind off things.
Last but not least dont forget us on the forums.
Forensic <-- Divorce topics still frustrate me.
I want to help but everyone has thier own deamons.
Lots of good advice here. I too am one of the many who got blindsided by the woman they thought loved them for 16+ years. The XW met some fat, old piece of shit Probation Officer in Eugene, Oregon in an internet chatroom and thought he was the answer to all of her dreams. She got caught and I threw her cheating ass out of our home. End result for her, lost her husband, the old P.O.S. dumped her too. But she still got half my retirement and $1600 a month alimony! That's all alimony, no child support in there at all as we had no kids.
Get the damn best attorney in town. Don't let price scare you off. Like many things in life, you get what you pay for in attorneys. I HAD an awesome attorney, but my XW stole him from under me. I ended up with some schmuck who couldn't grab his ass with both hands. The end result, I got my ass handed to me in court!
Forensic is right on with FILING FIRST!!! It is a must! It puts you in the driver's seat, and her scrambling to respond to YOUR demands. Don't waste your time trying to prove she's out sleeping around. You live in California. The courts don't give a damn who slept with who, or who did whatever to whomever. It's a Community Property State. All they care is that the assests and incomes in the marriage are equalized. If you have the ability, move (even if it is only on paper) to Nevada or Arizona. Even though they too are community property states, they take into consideration affairs and the like.
BE SMART...PROTECT YOURSELF!!! If you haven't already done it, close all joint bank accounts and take exactly half of them. Send her a check for the other half, and a copy of the closing statement to prove what you took. Close all joint credit cards imediately and re-open them in YOUR NAME ONLY! She can run up the bills in them and your still on the hook for the bill. Yeah, the court can order her to pay half, but if she doesn't pay it, guess who the credit cards company comes after...YOU! They don't care about the court order. Your name was on the account when she ran up the charges, your on the hook for the bills, period. If you have any money from an inheritance, she is not entitled to it in any way during a divorce.
I too would not wish this on anyone. It hurts like nothing you'll ever go through, it plain ol' sucks. But the friends I made through these forums as a result of my going through a divorce will last forever. Keep your chin up and if there's anything I or anyone on these boards can do for ya, don't hesitate to ask. You'll be surprised by the responses you'll get.
Lavey(been raped by a woman)man

BBB
02-04-2004, 10:14 AM
126
I've been reading through this thread and there's a ton of good advice given but I think that BUSTI's probably does the best job of wrapping it all up. I've almost been through it myself but was able to put it back together after a years seperation. One of the worst and best things that ever happened to me.
I'd like to tag on a couple of things to BUSTI's comments. As hard as it might be protect yourself mentally from becoming bitter... Bitterness will freeze you in your tracks and will not allow you to move on to a better place. It will poison your children' outlook on life as well. You can only control so much in your life and by all means do it! Take the advice given hear and protect your finances but do it in the spirit of good stewardship not revenge. Resist the temptation to "get even" it only makes things worse. Let those things that are out of your direct control go.
Be humble... I know this flies in the face of the "Be a MAN" attitude but I found controlling your pride will build you up whereas being controlled by pride will break you down.
And like others have said before, find someone to listen! I found that a solid counselor was a huge help. Friends are great but they won't always have the guts to tell you when your wrong. You want to do more than survive this, you want to come out a better person than before! A good counselor will be invaluable in helping you achieve this. I don't know if you're a religous man or not, and it really doesn't matter, I found a good referal through a neighborhood church.
Hang in there. Find ways to help others. Determine in your heart that you are going to be a better person because of this. Stay close to your children and never, never use them against there mother even if she doesn't play by the same rules. And finally, along with a good counselor find a friend who you can call 24-7 because the pain tends to flair up at the most awkard hours.
I'm prayin that your entire family will find healing!
BBB

Windy
02-04-2004, 11:18 AM
126Driver....one of the best medicines is talking about it.
We are here for you....Keep your chin up :)
Windy

JakeAisA
02-04-2004, 12:13 PM
Listen to Busti...he's my father and he's right on this one. I love my parents both, equally, because they're great parents--they just couldn't be married.
When they were first divorced, it was obviously painful for everyone. But my mother had a hard time remaining rational. Nothing was unrelated to her divorce, everything was tied into it somehow. My father made sure everything went on...baseball, family events, school functions, football, classwork, making sure my brother and I were doing what's right (character). My mother would have allowed us to use the divorce as an excuse for everything...if it were up to her. In fact, she encouraged it because she thought it made my dad look bad. Fortunately, my dad didn't care about his image, he cared about his children and he didn't let that happen...he cared about being a father first.
I'm not a father and I'm not married and I know there's no way to make sure you marry the perfect woman or have the perfect marriage. Sometimes shit happens. But you have to do all you can do, all of the time. You have to be strong and you have to do what's right...especially when it comes to your children. You have to remain in control, you have to be wise and you cannot let your emotions make your decisions for you. Remember, your children are watching.

Adrenalin
02-04-2004, 02:17 PM
Wow, there sure is a lot of us with the same story. I can only relate my story. The no good egg suckin dog invloved my son in their affair. Job 1 is your childeren. They must never suffer because you are angry at mom, they are angry enough for everyone. Their whole world has changed and it is totally out of their control. For years I would not let my son that sob's name in my presence. But hell he had live with the no good egg suckin dog. Finally I realized I was letting my hurt become his hurt. The no good egg suckin dog is now gonna be part of your children's life like it or not. Spend as much time with the kids as possible- you can never tell them enough that you love them.
That said, hire a mean sob lawyer. But always take the high road. Make her understand there is a difference between a kind soul and being weak, don't be weak!
I channeled my anger-well some of it- into the business. Like you I bought my own business, and she can't stand it. The new guy lost his business and most of his possesions. His own kids hate him. No matter what he does or has done for the good of mankind he will always have the mark of shame. You do not want that. She eventually will see through whatever lies and b.s he has told her.
It is very easy for people to say not to let yourself sink or wallow. Everyone is different. You will know what to do. Trust your self. You got this far didn't you? Do what you gotta do to greive.
By doing the right thing and being a stand up guy you are setting and example for your kids and setting a standard for yourself to live by. You still got some ugly shit to go through-by yourself.
Head up and shoulders back-never let her see you cry.
Do not kill him! Your going to jail is not gonna help things
As grandma said "He ain't worth the powder and shot it would take to blow him to hell".
Look at it like this: By the number of replies you are now in a big club with a lot of good people.