joke of the day

[anxious]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with
her ... so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...
so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .... so I
did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to
town cowboy ... " and here I am.
http://vinylventures.com

[MsDrmr]

too cute:D

[spectratoad]

Grandma's Boyfriend
You have to be very careful how you explain things to kid's!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make
me feel good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

[spectratoad]

Diet:
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal
when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me
that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years."
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what
else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,
"Dye it? What color is it now?"

[JetBoatRich]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband
had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[martiniboat]

:D :eek!: :D :D

[anxious]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
http://www.vinylventures.com

[anxious]

Jethro's cousin, Billy Bob the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to
test it on himself first. So, he inserted his pee pee thingy into the equipment,
turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as
his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he
couldn't remove the instrument from his pee pee thingy.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every
button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer
decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons."
http://www.vinylventures.com

[ITSALLGOOD69]

THOSE WERE GOOD!:D :D :D

[JetBoatRich]

JOB INTERVIEW
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
>
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is thefastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't ever know it happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
>"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who wascontemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall, there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said..
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."
"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain.," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for thebathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FREAKING LIGHT, I shit my pants!"
He got the job.

[Dr. Eagle]

Those were frigging hilarious...:D

[anxious]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her
deepest voice replied, "Bud."
http://www.vinylventures.com

[emjay]

MONKEY JOKE
(I'm giggling while typing this)
A lady takes her son to the zoo to feed the monkeys. They throw the monkey a peanut and he proceeds to take the peanut, stick it in his butt, pull it out & eat it!!! They're shocked. They throw another peanut and the same thing. The monkey sticks it in his butt, pulls it out & gobbles it. Well, the lady goes to complain to the caretaker, saying "You've got a very STUPID monkey there. All he does is stick his food in his butt & eat it." The caretaker corrects her and says,"NO, that is a very SMART monkey. See, last week someone fed him a peach, & he couldn't poop the pit. Now he measures everything first!"
(one of my first posts)

[WETDAWG]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing naked in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old
woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist
and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well
... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
:) :D

[Thunderbutt]

This little boy dressed up as a cowboy, goes into the 31 flavor icecream store, and this massive woman goes to him and said with a deep voice. Do you want an icecreme cone, he says Yep, she says do you want whiped cream on it, he says Yep, she says I supose you want crushed Nut's too, He quickley pulls his Gun's and said not unless you want your Tit's blown off

[Thunderbutt]

What about Johnny bad mouth.
He was siting in the class and the Teacher was going to have a word association test with the alphabet. And starts off with the letter A all of the kid's raise there hand including Johnny, she didn't want to call on him because she knew he would use a bad word, so she went to Mary and Mary said, Apple, big red Apple for the nice Teacher. She goes throught the Alphabet, when she got to R she couldn't think of a bad word for R so she ask Johnny. Johnny stands up and says R R-for Rat, big ****ing Rat with a Cock that long.

[emjay]

Here's two for the Catholics:
A nun is working on a crossword puzzle. She is stumped so she asks the other nuns for help. "I need a four letter word for "woman" ending in "UNT". One of the others chimes in, "AUNT" Disappointed the first nun says, "Anyone have an eraser?"
A priest is golfing with a friend. The friend whacks his first shot in the brush & proceeds to swear up a storm. "Godammit, sh*t, motherf**er, I missed!" The priest says, "I am a man of God & cannot hear such bad language. The Lord will punish you if you continue like this".
The next hole, the same thing happens. The friend overshoots the green & slams his club down, "Godammit, sh*t, motherf**er, I missed!". The priest again warns his friend, "You must clean up your language. The Lord will punish you."
One more hole & the same issue. This time the ball goes in the water. ""Godammit, sh*t, motherf**er, I missed!
Before the priest could say anything, the Heavens opened up and a bolt of lightning crashed onto the golf course, killing the priest instantly.
Then a very deep voice from Heaven is heard to bellow, "Godammit, sh*t, motherf**er, I MISSED!"
(hope y'all like 'em

[anxious]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again,marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"
http://www.vinylventures.com

[Laveyman]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Laveyman]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[stoker]

Originally posted by Laveyman
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
That was good

[anxious]

there a little black boy and one day he is walking home from school and he passes the toy store, in the window is this NICEE red wagon, and hes like dayumm, i want that wagon
so he goes home and asks his mom, "mom theres a wagon i want, can you get it for me" and his mom says "well, go upstairs, and wright jesus a letter about why u deserve the wagon" so the little boy goes up stairs and starts his letter...
"dear jesus, whats up, ive ben a real good boy, and i really want this wagon, i havent done anything..." and he stopped... looked at the paper and said "this is to jesus, hes gonna read it... better not lie, rips it up and throws it away
gets a new paper
"dear jesus, ive been a okay boy.. u know, we all make mistakes... but i really wnat this wag...." he stop again, looks at the paper and thinks, yeah... this is goin to jesus... i shouldnt lie... rips it up, throws it away...
...and runs down stairs.. out the door, and his momma is like "boy where u goin" and he leaves out the street... down a few blocks, into church... goes in, kneels down, knees in front of a statue of mary and says a prayer... steels the statue and runs back to his house, back up stairs... and gets one last piece of paper
"dear jesus... I GOT YO MOMMA, GET ME THAT WAGON"
http://www.vinylventures.com

[repo man]

why do women get p.m.s ?
because they deserve it.:yuk:

[anxious]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enoughof your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general . and all in the name of humor!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s*** on your knee!"
http://www.vinylventures.com

[anxious]

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room shaking, ear splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
http://www.vinylventures.com

[FMluvswater]

Dedicated to Sugar. ;) :D
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her tits."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like tits around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ....( . )( . ).... "

[anxious]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
http://www.vinylventures.com