HighRoller
05-13-2004, 01:58 PM
I'm john Kerry and I hope you'll vote for me. Here are my qualifications:
Vietnam War veteran. I fought bravely and was a hero who was awarded the Purple Heart when a 2 centimeter piece of shrapnel pierced my arm and caused a contusion. After fixing the wound with a Band-Aid(actual fact)the doctor sent me home to the U.S.
Upon returning to the U.S. I testified in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee. I gave anecdotal evidence of war atrocities, which I admitted being a part of. Subsequently, my book "New Soldier" was released, a tell-all depicting the US military as"murderers". During the uproar from the Vietnam War I held a press conference, during which I threw my medals away. Well, actually I threw the ribbons. No, wait, ribbons are the same as medals aren't they? Anyways, later I denied throwing them away but that's another story.
Previous to running for President, I served with distinction in the U.S. Senate. Despite an annual salary in excess of 120,000 dollars, I have never had a net worth of more than 54,000 dollars in my life. At the time I married my current wife, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, I had a net worth of -130,000 dollars. I am now worth 700 million and own seven properties worth an average of 5 million each. I am against outsourcing, but 72% of my income from Heinz comes from overseas. I also prefer French hairdressers, paying them my 1000 dollars per cut instead of an American. I am also against taxes but want to repeal Bush's tax cuts, which would result in a net tax increase. I am against raising taxes, but want to raise taxes on the wealthiest in the nation. I supported the war in Iraq. As a matter of fact, I voted for it until I voted against it. I wholeheartedly support the environmental movement, and use my three SUV's and Gulfstream 5 business jet to fly to their events. That is, of course, when the G5 isn't picking up my hairdresser from France. Did I mention I'm a vietnam war hero?
As far as Vietnam, over 100 people who served with me or who are members of the same squadron I served have refuted my claims of war atrocities. This, of course, is preposterous since I have witnesses to back up my claims. It makes no difference that half of my witnesses never served in Vietnam, and the other half were hired actors.(Actual fact)I have witnesses and that's all that matters. I have never been involved in a sex scandal such as Bill Clinton. That's because the woman who accused me was escorted out of the country with a check for 50,000 dollars before she could say anything more. Finally, I believe in a strong military and that's why I vote against military appropriations consistently. Thank you for my your vote, and BRING IT ONNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Vietnam War veteran. I fought bravely and was a hero who was awarded the Purple Heart when a 2 centimeter piece of shrapnel pierced my arm and caused a contusion. After fixing the wound with a Band-Aid(actual fact)the doctor sent me home to the U.S.
Upon returning to the U.S. I testified in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee. I gave anecdotal evidence of war atrocities, which I admitted being a part of. Subsequently, my book "New Soldier" was released, a tell-all depicting the US military as"murderers". During the uproar from the Vietnam War I held a press conference, during which I threw my medals away. Well, actually I threw the ribbons. No, wait, ribbons are the same as medals aren't they? Anyways, later I denied throwing them away but that's another story.
Previous to running for President, I served with distinction in the U.S. Senate. Despite an annual salary in excess of 120,000 dollars, I have never had a net worth of more than 54,000 dollars in my life. At the time I married my current wife, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, I had a net worth of -130,000 dollars. I am now worth 700 million and own seven properties worth an average of 5 million each. I am against outsourcing, but 72% of my income from Heinz comes from overseas. I also prefer French hairdressers, paying them my 1000 dollars per cut instead of an American. I am also against taxes but want to repeal Bush's tax cuts, which would result in a net tax increase. I am against raising taxes, but want to raise taxes on the wealthiest in the nation. I supported the war in Iraq. As a matter of fact, I voted for it until I voted against it. I wholeheartedly support the environmental movement, and use my three SUV's and Gulfstream 5 business jet to fly to their events. That is, of course, when the G5 isn't picking up my hairdresser from France. Did I mention I'm a vietnam war hero?
As far as Vietnam, over 100 people who served with me or who are members of the same squadron I served have refuted my claims of war atrocities. This, of course, is preposterous since I have witnesses to back up my claims. It makes no difference that half of my witnesses never served in Vietnam, and the other half were hired actors.(Actual fact)I have witnesses and that's all that matters. I have never been involved in a sex scandal such as Bill Clinton. That's because the woman who accused me was escorted out of the country with a check for 50,000 dollars before she could say anything more. Finally, I believe in a strong military and that's why I vote against military appropriations consistently. Thank you for my your vote, and BRING IT ONNNNNNNNNNNNNN