How To Poop At Work!!!!!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
STATUE OF LIBERTY
This is when someone drops what seems to be the mother of all craps. A nice
big loaf of bread so-to-speak. These people purposely do not flush it so that
the next person can come along and admire it. It's a mainstay for all to see.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OutOf The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WATER SPOUT
A situation in which the waste that has just been deployed forces the water in which it was submerged, is force back onto the rectum of the pooping worker. Such a situation can be prevented with a CATCHERS MIT
CATCHERS MIT
The process in which the pooper, prior to deploying his waste, lays down a primary bunch of toilet paper in order to prevent a Water Spout. As the waste hits the floating toilet paper, it is met with a soft cushion that does not disturb the water.

Excellent. Every time I read this I get am crying. I love this.

im still crying i had to stop half way threw some of them cause i was laughing so hard.

i like the walk of shame.

i was laughing so hard reading this!!!!
my manager is an "out of the closet pooper" he visits the rest area on average5 times a day... he is basically at work to poop and eat.
:D :D :D

LMAO...I can relate to everyone of those!!

I am still laughing from the Havana Omlet...LOL!!

hahahahahahaha!
wow, im an out of the closet pooper.. I always have a book or magazine under my arm. lol

I thought you guys would enjoy....lol